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A Snap Shot of My Post College Failure 2020-07-26T02:12:48+00:00

Hello, Patrons! I'm back. Not to full video production, yet, but to writing, planning, and upkeeping this Patreon.

Editor Ian came over earlier, but we didn't have enough room on our available SD cards to handle the 200GB projects required for Patreon bonus cuts. My sincere apologies about this. But we're going to have one of those, another Girls I Had Sex With, and the first Live in a while coming out this week.

In the meantime, here's a pretty good thing I wrote for a now defunct website called PostGradProblems.com. Enjoy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hey, Moderator. Or Editor. Or just Guy who Screens the Column Submissions. I’m going to assume you’re significantly busier than I am, so I’ll try to keep this brief.

Ok. So I don’t really have a singular post grad problem to cover in this pitch (if we’re calling this a pitch) since my whole life is more or less one big post grad problem. Yes. One could say my life is, at present, a fucking mess.

Office politics? Boring cocktail parties? Sleepless, fanged HR departments? Stomach-wrenching college nostalgia?

Unlike many of my peers, I don’t even really have the opportunity to worry about these types of things. See, since graduating from UCLA a couple years back, my struggle has pretty much been one for survival.

Right now, my income clocks in at a cool 0.00 USD, owing to my summary firing from my restaurant job a month or so back. We’ll get to why, with a college degree, I was even working in a restaurant, but I assume you want to hear the firing story first.

Ok. Check this out. I got fired for–I kid you not–telling a guest that the duck we served was actually seagull, and that we not only snared these seagulls using nets on the roof; we then took them into the kitchen, raped them, tortured them, sexually humiliated them, and then ended their pathetic lives via mass stomping. Only after all this, I said, did we begin preparation of the dish.

I’m not a total moron; I said this jokingly to a friend of mine who was visiting the restaurant–not just some random person. The only snag was, there was like this 70-year-old opera-going couple sitting one booth over. A 70-year-old opera going couple who, I would later learn, had just put in an order for the duck. They heard me, all right, and wasted little time asking management about the less-than ethical sourcing and treatment of our fowl.

This place has five-stars, and is pretty much the Third Reich as far employee standards of conduct go. So yeah. Needless to say, I didn’t see the light of another shift after the Seagull Incident.

Since then I’ve been unemployed and drifting. And the approach I’ve taken to looking for another job is…you could call it “apathetic.” This is aided in no small part by the, um, particularly non-productive habit I’ve developed recently of jerking off all the time.

As far as sheer number of sessions, I haven’t experienced a masturbation spell this bad since the summer of 2013. That was a rough one. Living with my parents post college, I was. Here’s a little journal entry I found from that period describing one of my favorite techniques.

7/18/2013

The Shower Trick

Ever since graduating college and moving back home this summer, jerking off with the shower on has, to be quite frank with you, become probably my #1 method of passing time.

The title “Shower Trick” is a little misleading, though. I don’t beat off in there. That would require leg muscle, balance. And plus all the expensive lotion I use would just get washed away. No. I leave the shower running, is all.

Why do I do this?

It’s so, when my parents go Xing back and forth with perked ears through the hallway, listening for any trace of grunting, or the telltale smack of skin on skin…they hear only the whine of pipes, the patter of water.

They imagine–I’m sure–me, their only son, who is now technically a grown adult, doing mature, innocent, hygienic things in there.

But the truth?

Truth is 9 times out of 10 I’m splayed across the edge of the sink–tongue out, beating myself into submission. Not even anywhere near the fucking shower. While gallon upon gallon of perfectly good water flows unutilized down the drain. Chipping away at local reservoirs with locked-out knees and a pulsating fist…

Since the Seagull Incident, I’m rapidly approaching these 2013 levels of masturbation. Maybe even surpassing them, since I don’t live at home now, and therefore can disregard stealth.

Post Grad Problems’ official logo is some dejected looking stick figure slumped over a computer desk, right? This image is actually a pretty spot-on representation of my typical day.

Except maybe note that (a) my stick figure’s dick should be out, hinting at one of my tri-daily jerk off sessions, and (b) the computer screen should have two windows open: YouJizz.com (goes without saying) and then behind that the Craigslist job postings, which each day I troll for ten to fifteen minutes out of obligation to my parents.

So what do I plan to do with my life, you ask? Why am I using a college education to work in restaurants?

I don’t know. That’s the answer–I just don’t know.

I guess, like a lot of people, I kinda feel 18-23 is too early an age to commit, like, fully to a career path that you’ll have to occupy until you’re pretty much old. I’ve thought about grad school, but that’s money. I’ve thought about getting a Real Job, but that’s dedicating most of my waking hours to something I’m currently indifferent towards, and thus will for certain suck at.

Or maybe the real reason is: I fucked off so hard in college–no extracurriculars, no internship, no job–that any legitimate employer would be stupid to put me on the payroll.

In conclusion, I think I can be the voice of a different breed of post grad problem-havers. Not the slightly underemployed, not the successful-but-still-nostalgic-for-the-college-days: I’m talking about the flat out fucking post-grad failures. And there’s got to be at least a few of those visiting this site, right?

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Comments (13)
user avatar
User #39567080 - 27 Jul 20 03:12
I recently tested positive for COVID an Danny is the only thing keeping me sane
user avatar
User #38239471 - 26 Jul 20 20:44
This shit hit me I’m about to graduate and really feel that whole not knowing what I’m gonna do next and that all i know is that i don’t know
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User #38844218 - 26 Jul 20 17:53
The documentary/gonzo interview Style of the worst town vids are great. Have you thought of dung more ?
user avatar
User #39636462 - 28 Jul 20 00:41
Hahaha I about died
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User #39002134 - 27 Jul 20 00:45
this might be the greatest story ever written.
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User #38569435 - 26 Jul 20 05:32
Did you actually write a journal of beating off or did you just find that little snippet? If so, please post! I am pretty good at jerking my dick, but I’m always looking for new tricks and techniques.
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User #38756376 - 26 Jul 20 02:24
That hits different I just graduated have no clue what the fuck to do I smoke way too much weed and jerk off too much considering the number of females I interact with
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User #773262 - 26 Jul 20 05:01
Holy fuck this one hit home for me too
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User #19955554 - 26 Jul 20 02:25
How long did it take to go from this state to moving to LA and starting this? What happened in between?
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User #18873065 - 26 Jul 20 03:11
You should get Leo to host the pod-cast or something to keep content coming while you take your breaks. Also gives you a chance to build up a backlog
user avatar
User #29930389 - 26 Jul 20 02:13
We missed you Danny, glad you're back and refreshed
user avatar
User #36638556 - 27 Jul 20 11:31
I love danny m and miss his comic relief but enjoy vacation bra
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User #38339248 - 28 Jul 20 12:20
Been doing the shower trick at my aunt/uncles house my whole stay here
Girls I Had Sex with #27, #28, #29
Girls I Had Sex with #27, #28, #29more_vert
2020-07-17T05:28:31+00:00
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Girls I Had Sex with #27, #28, #29 2020-07-17T05:28:31+00:00close

Hey, mother fuckers. This might be the last piece of content I release on here for the next 7 days, as I'm trying to totally unplug from social. However, I'm hiring editor Ian as my full time Patreon guy in the days after that period, so the content flow is going to be much steadier and better than previously. Thanks to all of you. You've made making great content so much fucking easier.


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Comments (20)
user avatar
User #37537522 - 17 Jul 20 05:29
Danny I recommend watching yucko the clown if you haven’t seen him funniest dude I’ve seen besides you
user avatar
User #37491978 - 17 Jul 20 21:07
All hail the regime
user avatar
User #20516038 - 17 Jul 20 06:53
Hey danny funny story about Nick and dennman. So nick dated my ex’s bestfriend and we used to play gta 5 together and were pretty chill and denman ended up fucking my ex after we broke up fucking strange how small and shitty Orangevale is.
user avatar
User #37491978 - 17 Jul 20 21:07
Yo Danny I got the chance to call you when I was in fan Jerry’s hotel room smokin some weed in Vegas hahaha love you guys
user avatar
User #36638556 - 17 Jul 20 11:05
LOLLL i commented before seeing the final scene in Taco Bell.. that was like the best restaurant scene in DMullen history almost. Clapclap!
user avatar
User #25263284 - 17 Jul 20 13:27
Love you Danny! Thanks so much for putting out this series
user avatar
User #22762018 - 17 Jul 20 20:36
No thank you Danny
user avatar
User #36638556 - 17 Jul 20 10:11
Haha danny this video was quite the leap from the last video u told us not to watch that u made at home! Everything is getting better and better esp ur improv in those interviews
user avatar
User #33074250 - 17 Jul 20 06:28
We need the HIV video Danny!!! ♥
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User #38844218 - 18 Jul 20 17:41
Lmao Austin’s not even 21, he be getting super hammered every time
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User #34629552 - 18 Jul 20 17:34
Have a good vacation Danny, if you get bored a few you tubers you should check out: Marty and Michael, Shammi, angry cops.....would be sweet to see you collab with one of them
user avatar
User #18522567 - 17 Jul 20 12:10
danny can i jerk off to your sister?
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User #35002048 - 17 Jul 20 20:18
Damn wish I knew you were in sac bro
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User #773262 - 18 Jul 20 02:30
San Jose lets go baby
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User #37177813 - 17 Jul 20 05:30
thanks for trying Danny btw i love the laid back style of Your new video i feel there more authentic And funnier maybe consider doing a them mroe often than every 4 vids
user avatar
User #36291986 - 18 Jul 20 15:01
Upload the HIV video on Patreon
user avatar
User #36881166 - 17 Jul 20 16:19
Hahaha thats so funny, Anthony "Sharkbait" went to my high school, he lived in the neighborhood next to mine, small world
user avatar
User #37156934 - 17 Jul 20 06:16
have a good break man, well deserved definitely
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User #38289692 - 17 Jul 20 05:29
Banger of a vid today Mr Mullen. Enjoy vacation
user avatar
User #7138030 - 17 Jul 20 05:29
Have a good time on your break Danny unplug and relax brother, keep being you man
30 Minutes of 4th of July Extras
30 Minutes of 4th of July Extrasmore_vert
2020-07-13T02:04:07+00:00
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30 Minutes of 4th of July Extras 2020-07-13T02:04:07+00:00close

Here they are! Have a Girls I Had Sex With in the hole, but I just need to edit out this chick's last name that I kept accidentally saying.


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Comments (29)
user avatar
User #30002752 - 13 Jul 20 06:03
Great video
user avatar
User #4023614 - 13 Jul 20 03:08
crackhead with the goat beard has small dick energy
user avatar
DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 04:36
Real piece of garbage, right?
user avatar
User #34737958 - 13 Jul 20 09:00
you guys are absolutely genuinely funny as fuck
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User #38320500 - 13 Jul 20 08:54
why is fan jerry the only underdressed one...danny explain!
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User #37793598 - 16 Jul 20 23:50
He's a Communist.
user avatar
User #26803503 - 13 Jul 20 04:02
Grow back your fucking mullet!!!
user avatar
User #32395590 - 13 Jul 20 02:06
i’ve been excited for this!
user avatar
User #38524489 - 13 Jul 20 03:48
Let’s goooo thanks Danny!
user avatar
User #22762018 - 13 Jul 20 06:01
Nico filming the bitches
user avatar
User #36075128 - 13 Jul 20 06:36
One of the best vids yet Danny! Loved MAGA Hulk
user avatar
User #4023614 - 13 Jul 20 02:45
Moment we’ve all been waiting for 🥺💞🥰
user avatar
User #35904334 - 13 Jul 20 03:14
Should have called the extras the “presidential cut”
user avatar
User #29778753 - 13 Jul 20 11:55
Danny PLEASE get maga hulk on the podcast. That dude is so funny and probably has a lot to talk about
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User #30013449 - 13 Jul 20 18:10
And retired police officer david would be fucking awesome.
user avatar
User #35054272 - 13 Jul 20 03:02
Great video Danny
user avatar
DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 04:36
Thanks!
user avatar
User #38003506 - 13 Jul 20 04:18
The Goat with another banger
user avatar
DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 04:36
Thanks dude!
user avatar
User #35901712 - 13 Jul 20 02:04
Let’s go Danny!
user avatar
DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 02:05
Hell yes, man!
user avatar
User #34213831 - 13 Jul 20 02:08
Fan Jerry = Stalin! Loved this video man
user avatar
DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 02:25
Thanks dude!
user avatar
User #32643376 - 13 Jul 20 02:14
I was looking forward to this danny, fuck yeah!
user avatar
User #23618120 - 13 Jul 20 02:07
We've been blessed with another one of Father Mullen's gospels...
user avatar
User #36075128 - 13 Jul 20 07:40
What’s the bitch at the ends @?
user avatar
User #31115265 - 14 Jul 20 12:13
Who knows, who cares.
user avatar
User #33074250 - 13 Jul 20 03:05
Saw the oringal video 3x already
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DannyMullen - 13 Jul 20 04:36
Appreciate it, man!
Patreon AMA part 2
Patreon AMA part 2more_vert
2020-07-10T06:27:20+00:00
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Patreon AMA part 2 2020-07-10T06:27:20+00:00close


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Comments (21)
user avatar
User #38634299 - 10 Jul 20 21:10
big changes dawg
user avatar
User #37431626 - 10 Jul 20 06:47
Bro the 4th of July video was fucking hilarious. My new favorite video bro!
user avatar
User #38356278 - 10 Jul 20 14:55
Danny the Fourth of July video is the best of best, no one else compares to you
user avatar
User #796401 - 12 Jul 20 05:15
i'll buy a I LOVE HEROIN hat if you sell them
user avatar
User #36638556 - 10 Jul 20 13:21
Dan HHaha wow your best video yet graphically with this new July 4th video!! Looked incredible!!
user avatar
User #30014840 - 10 Jul 20 15:55
@15:50 gotta be cum town
user avatar
User #36209250 - 11 Jul 20 15:20
Great answer Danny definitely not what I was expecting but it was hilarious nonetheless
user avatar
User #30478171 - 10 Jul 20 18:57
Danny, stop jerking off
user avatar
User #7138030 - 10 Jul 20 23:31
Thanks for answering my question Danny keep up the great work brotha !
user avatar
User #32643376 - 10 Jul 20 07:35
Danny the new video was fucking legendary man, you deserve the break you are going to take. Stay safe!
user avatar
User #30478171 - 10 Jul 20 18:51
I´m saving the 4th video to the best moment of the week. I need to treasure it. Serve myself some gin and tonic, take a sniff of smelling salts and enjoy the poetry of pappa mullen
user avatar
User #36638556 - 10 Jul 20 13:21
The different shots and images in the beginning were amazing! And the comedy...! Brilliant!!!!
user avatar
User #37537522 - 10 Jul 20 07:47
Do you like Andrew Dice Clay? He’s one of my favorites and he’s pretty edgy.
user avatar
User #17294602 - 10 Jul 20 06:32
I love you Danny you’re a legend 👏
user avatar
User #36427581 - 10 Jul 20 06:58
The girl Danny made out with was definitely over a 5😂
user avatar
User #31013934 - 10 Jul 20 07:11
Even with her blurred out face she looked like a 6+ 😂
user avatar
User #23618120 - 10 Jul 20 06:47
Just saw the 4th of July video. Definitely one for the ages🤘🏼
user avatar
User #38230191 - 11 Jul 20 16:03
I want to join your crew Danny, I'm saving up 3 grand so you can fly out and kick it
user avatar
User #17294602 - 10 Jul 20 06:34
Currently wearing my New York Sunfish shirt :)
user avatar
User #37168734 - 11 Jul 20 23:24
Danny Mullen is the GOAT
user avatar
User #22762018 - 10 Jul 20 06:39
Shit watering the plants holy fuck that must’ve been a mission 😂😂
An Hour of Maryland/Virginia Bonus Footage
An Hour of Maryland/Virginia Bonus Footagemore_vert
2020-07-07T22:56:33+00:00
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An Hour of Maryland/Virginia Bonus Footage 2020-07-07T22:56:33+00:00close

Sorry about the issues, guys!


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Comments (23)
user avatar
User #30014840 - 8 Jul 20 15:41
hell yeah man help me find the strength to be myself.
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User #30014840 - 8 Jul 20 21:29
poor boy deleted the comment
user avatar
User #32643376 - 8 Jul 20 04:47
This is some quality content Danny, we need to see more of Brandon!
user avatar
User #37812955 - 8 Jul 20 12:32
Should danny RAID pop pops funeral?
user avatar
User #38238605 - 8 Jul 20 00:01
thanks sir mullen
user avatar
User #36638556 - 9 Jul 20 12:12
“U guys could have a kid it wouldnt be retarded “hahahaha
user avatar
User #37812955 - 7 Jul 20 23:34
Sure this is good? Playn nah ur chill anigo
user avatar
User #17294602 - 7 Jul 20 23:28
No worries father we will always love you
user avatar
User #37792945 - 7 Jul 20 23:04
I fucking love you
user avatar
User #37156934 - 8 Jul 20 00:50
I really hope we get more Brandon, that dude's fucking insane in the best way possible
user avatar
User #37812955 - 8 Jul 20 20:20
Bruh buck don’t listen to this guy, if u finna come to dc and piss in a wawa with me hmu
user avatar
User #32346072 - 9 Jul 20 19:01
26:53 holy shit the one on the right is so hot
user avatar
User #36044246 - 8 Jul 20 13:48
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User #36638556 - 8 Jul 20 11:07
PS Nelk is also one of my favs, they seem pretty down to earth like urself DMullen!
user avatar
User #30002752 - 7 Jul 20 22:57
What a great video this was and now blessed with an hour of extras
user avatar
User #38285929 - 8 Jul 20 15:32
This is why I support danny's patreon to get these raw 30-60 minute videos.
user avatar
User #36638556 - 8 Jul 20 11:07
Watching the Nelk SF airport /pilot/ Pepper boy video where u fkn killed it Danny! U nailed that opportunity homie. Nice to re-celebrate that
user avatar
User #36638556 - 8 Jul 20 11:13
Haha “a full barrel roll in an occupied civilian aircraft” hahah still gold
user avatar
User #36075128 - 7 Jul 20 23:03
Goat
user avatar
User #37799913 - 8 Jul 20 10:16
Thank you Danny! I hope Brandon found his phone.
user avatar
User #34199156 - 8 Jul 20 00:29
When brandon hurls at like 2:38-2:45 lmao fuck. If yall havent seen you YouTube vid you need to!
user avatar
User #38524489 - 9 Jul 20 01:22
Love watching the Ocean City video because I can recognize everywhere that you were 😂😂
user avatar
User #34966201 - 8 Jul 20 15:08
Danny you can see brooke in the background lol
Girls I Had Sex With #25 and #26
Girls I Had Sex With #25 and #26more_vert
2020-07-04T03:15:30+00:00
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Girls I Had Sex With #25 and #26 2020-07-04T03:15:30+00:00close

The first two girls from UCLA!


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Comments (15)
user avatar
User #29718239 - 4 Jul 20 03:30
Yo Danny what was the song at the end of the vid today?
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User #29463953 - 6 Jul 20 17:06
Band is Brand New
user avatar
User #796401 - 6 Jul 20 17:24
Car by Built to Spill
user avatar
User #38383173 - 6 Jul 20 16:44
omg lol danny just didn't give a fuck in college
user avatar
User #30478171 - 5 Jul 20 01:45
Also, Hank moody from Californication was inspired by Bukowskis´Women
user avatar
User #30478171 - 5 Jul 20 01:44
Danny, funny you bought that book up! My book, "The Modern Day Asshole" is set to be published Early August.
user avatar
User #16149782 - 4 Jul 20 05:22
Your use of Car by Built to Spill in todays video was awesome Danny. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands! Love the content the effort is really showing
user avatar
User #17294602 - 5 Jul 20 06:10
Uploaded minutes before July 4th. Expecting some content you sunfish FUCK. Love you, I am a new patreon and I have watched every single video.
user avatar
User #29718239 - 6 Jul 20 21:32
What’s the song called tho
user avatar
User #34932369 - 7 Jul 20 02:13
I will play my game beneath the spin light
user avatar
User #14322261 - 4 Jul 20 03:26
The worst trolls^
user avatar
User #28523417 - 4 Jul 20 03:16
First
user avatar
User #36638556 - 4 Jul 20 14:40
“Not a whole lot to say about kim..” Hahahah unintentional beauty 1 liner
user avatar
User #37156934 - 4 Jul 20 03:28
I assume it only skyrockets from here
user avatar
User #29463953 - 6 Jul 20 17:05
Cailby Torres it is by the band Brand New
37-Minutes of Dallas Extras
37-Minutes of Dallas Extrasmore_vert
2020-06-27T23:17:11+00:00
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Great trip, great video.


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Comments (21)
user avatar
User #38383173 - 6 Jul 20 22:27
why didn't the throw at the end make the cut lol
user avatar
User #35978574 - 30 Jun 20 20:28
Lol, loved that bit with the old guy and potato the gun
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User #36075128 - 28 Jun 20 09:46
I love you Danny
user avatar
User #30478171 - 1 Jul 20 11:47
How did the conversation with the old man not make it to the main video?
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User #37122970 - 29 Jun 20 01:31
35:14 the guy on the right got so shocked
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User #37156934 - 28 Jun 20 02:15
that fucking throw at the end was gold! hope we can see more of can josh too, seems like he's willing to do a lot of shit for the content
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User #36075128 - 29 Jun 20 09:09
Danny it’s my birthday today it would mean the world if I could get a simple “happy birthday” from the best youtuber out there
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:52
Happy birthday, dude~
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:52
!
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User #8343986 - 2 Jul 20 19:02
this wigger character is hilarious
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User #35984915 - 28 Jun 20 06:48
Danny the god
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User #37793598 - 28 Jun 20 08:01
Thank you, Danny, for making these amazing youtube/patron videos. Because of you, I've improved my game with the ladies. From being a virgin to having sex with over 10 women. I love to talk shit to my friends that also watch you but don't have a job to watch the exclusive content ;)
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:53
10 and up is where it starts to get easy, bro!
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User #30478171 - 1 Jul 20 11:44
All these god damned dogs, disrespecting Terrance
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User #36570962 - 29 Jun 20 21:04
As someone who loves camera angles, That was a surprise with that leaving the airport outside shot. I was like wow, nice shot, wait Nico was literally right behind Danny. There’s only one camera man and you announced it was planned. My favorite part of the video other than when you take your shirt off in the field. My eyes started to water and I almost cried because you were so hot.
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User #37110964 - 30 Jun 20 13:13
The “I thought this was a mechanical horse” bit had me rolling
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User #33074250 - 2 Jul 20 07:05
"Nico preplanned this shot" LMAO
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User #11565718 - 2 Jul 20 08:23
I AM RETARDED
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User #38768594 - 15 Jul 20 05:22
Some of this shit is more entertaining than the actual video 😂
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User #37491978 - 28 Jun 20 02:19
Bring Fan Josh back ! I also like how you keep asking the old guy about war
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:53
Hell yeah, man!
Patreon Q&A Part 1
Patreon Q&A Part 1more_vert
2020-06-27T14:57:33+00:00
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Patreon Q&A Part 1 2020-06-27T14:57:33+00:00close


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Comments (16)
user avatar
User #29543186 - 30 Jun 20 22:30
YaI’m a guy and I do distance running so cross country but I do love it but doing the 13-16 mile runs just aren’t fun too me but I love the sport thanks for answering my question
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User #37240134 - 5 Jul 20 00:17
OBX NC let's go
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User #15450928 - 27 Jun 20 14:58
Nooo The mullet
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User #36638556 - 27 Jun 20 15:15
How did i miss the Q and A’s !!?
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User #34732608 - 27 Jun 20 15:02
That Dallas video was a banger!
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User #30478171 - 27 Jun 20 16:08
I wanna see danny bald
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User #36638556 - 27 Jun 20 15:07
Hahhah
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User #34014334 - 3 Jul 20 04:13
Definitely come to NC. Im military and can get you on base once covid passes
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User #38289692 - 8 Jul 20 07:57
I just would like to point out exactly what you are offering. You gonna be responsible for danny on base?
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User #32769688 - 27 Jun 20 16:32
My Woo-Ha shirt just came in and it’s fucking sick
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:53
Hell yes, baby!
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User #37156934 - 27 Jun 20 15:08
not the hair!
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User #25386201 - 28 Jun 20 12:32
Danny, what's the deal with Cynthia Waters? First, you use that name for the hot journalist in the TITS screenplay. Then this Q&A video rolls around in which you mention the archetypal cute cheerleader girl (timestamp 23:15), and again: Cynthia Waters! Something is telling me that there really is a girl with that name and that she'll soon make an appearance in the Girls I've Had Sex With series.
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DannyMullen - 29 Jun 20 23:54
haha it was just in my head from reading the TV pilot! good catch, though!
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User #36638556 - 27 Jun 20 15:07
The hair is gone!? Well, you look far more trustworthy now.. that will help skits
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User #36759284 - 27 Jun 20 14:59
Bruv it’s gone 😂 good work this month man. Keeping my sanity
TITS Fighting Championship 2020-06-26T23:43:58+00:00

In fall of 2016, after releasing my third book, HOME, I was at maybe the lowest point in my writing career. That book sold maybe eight copies, generating perhaps $16, ensuring that I'd have to keep up my bus boy day job just a touch longer.

It was a crushing defeat. I haven't written any serious prose since, and I began prepping my application for screen writing schools within the week. Six months later I'd be rejected by both, and begin the transition into YouTube.

But that December, home for Christmas, still believing I might get into screen writing school, hanging in the Orangevale, California, Starbucks, I wrote this nonsensical TV pilot. It's about a male model who fights in a very corrupt UFC-style organization.

I just read it for the first time in like 3.5 years, and it's pretty funny. There are a few sloppy/lame segments, but Muhammed Gah trying to play Russian Roulette with a .45 might make it worth the read.

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Attachments (1)


TITS.pdf (85.0KiB)

Comments (7)
user avatar
User #30166894 - 3 Jul 20 04:09
danny now that you have decent income from comedy and a following I think you should try to film a pilot and pitch it or at least put it on youtube/patreon
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User #35907627 - 27 Jun 20 07:47
Danny is the Kraken tier coming back? I need you to drain my balls and bank account on my 21st bday.
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DannyMullen - 4 Jul 20 03:13
Back, bro@
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User #34568511 - 27 Jun 20 06:08
This is hilarious, Danny truly has a way with words
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User #37156934 - 27 Jun 20 01:53
fuck yeah dude, should try making it with the crew!
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User #37156934 - 27 Jun 20 01:08
I'd want at least a season!
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DannyMullen - 27 Jun 20 01:33
Haha I think if I punched this up and it actually got shot it would be pretty fucking sweet. At least the pilot would be.
I'm Back 2020-06-26T23:31:51+00:00

Hey, Patreon people! Sorry about the inactivity this week. This past month has been insane. Starting with Havasu, then Dallas, then flying home, editing that video while writing Fear and Loathing, on to Las Vegas, back home and having to finish the Fear and Loathing edit before flying out Thursday morning to the East Coast, 4 straight days of filming there, then right into the edit – that killed me. I've had two days off all month and one was spent on a plane.

But I have the Danny Mullen Saved Dallas Extras coming tomorrow, I'm going to record the QandA tonight, and I'm about to post a little something else right now as well. Again, sorry for the lack of activity. This was a good lesson - go out of town sparingly.

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Comments (20)
user avatar
User #25263284 - 26 Jun 20 23:32
Any girls I’ve fucked episodes? Glad you’re back! Love ya man
user avatar
User #37630185 - 27 Jun 20 04:46
Love the Clash in this weeks vid
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User #37812955 - 26 Jun 20 23:33
I call bs prolly fucked mud hole Mia the wHOLE time he was off Patreon jk love the work danny
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User #37491978 - 27 Jun 20 01:32
Question: Danny I’ve wrestled for 12 years and have 3 years of Jui jitsu under my belt. I am 6’2 185lbs and live in San Diego. Do you accept my challenge ?
user avatar
User #30478171 - 27 Jun 20 01:02
You are forgiven sir. Your content is magical
user avatar
User #33949150 - 26 Jun 20 23:32
You’ve been getting fucked up so it’s cool.
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User #14383913 - 26 Jun 20 23:33
you're on fire man
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User #22762018 - 26 Jun 20 23:32
Your chilling
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User #36715822 - 26 Jun 20 23:34
Hard work pays off my brother, job well done
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User #26653899 - 27 Jun 20 11:55
Danny is the goat.
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User #14607965 - 27 Jun 20 10:44
Q: Are you into Frank Zappa? If not, I think you'd appreciate his mind
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User #7138030 - 26 Jun 20 23:34
Don’t even worry Danny, your content been amazing keep up the great work!
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User #19804149 - 26 Jun 20 23:34
The content was great, whatever your doing now is working my dude
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User #35161165 - 26 Jun 20 23:33
Take a break if you need to
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User #18667882 - 27 Jun 20 00:14
Respect for all the work you’ve been putting in
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User #37105333 - 27 Jun 20 00:55
Thats alright, the last few videos have been great.
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User #35229639 - 26 Jun 20 23:38
The D-Mull is fucking back baby!
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User #31389114 - 26 Jun 20 23:37
Danny ‘The Sex Criminal’ Mullen!
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User #36638556 - 27 Jun 20 15:05
Danny you’re “chops” comedically are getting better and better! So glad i hitched my wagon to your star!
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DannyMullen - 4 Jul 20 03:13
Thanks Connor!
53-minutes of Fear and Loathing Bonus Footage
53-minutes of Fear and Loathing Bonus Footagemore_vert
2020-06-20T22:22:49+00:00
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53-minutes of Fear and Loathing Bonus Footage 2020-06-20T22:22:49+00:00close

Here it is, mother fuckers. Almost an hour of extras from one of the best videos we've ever done.


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Comments (20)
user avatar
User #35901712 - 20 Jun 20 22:23
Let’s go
user avatar
User #37105333 - 20 Jun 20 22:46
This video was good AF. Definitely going to watch this later tonight🍿
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User #35853373 - 21 Jun 20 02:46
this quailty is unmatched danny
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User #37156934 - 20 Jun 20 22:30
fuck yeah!
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User #37108079 - 21 Jun 20 00:14
hey unleash chaos here, this is by far my favorite video
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User #32346072 - 20 Jun 20 23:29
This video was Leo’s best performance ever
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User #34019888 - 20 Jun 20 22:40
So psyched to watch this bonus footage, fuck yeah! The video was fucking phenomenal.. The progression of events and story was so god damn captivating and hilarious. Good shit.
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User #6005361 - 21 Jun 20 01:04
A glorious failure, it was very enlightening and no cop -out at all. I would like to have seen you do a Leo and Danny show from that hotel room, too but not in that state.
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User #32643376 - 20 Jun 20 22:57
This is fucking brilliant Danny! Love you bro
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User #35333733 - 21 Jun 20 02:18
I love to see the constant rise in quality in your videos.
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User #37491978 - 20 Jun 20 22:56
Thanks papa danny and papa Leo. You guys are making YouTube great again. They don’t deserve the d mull crew
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User #7138030 - 20 Jun 20 22:23
Can’t wait to watch this Danny, that video was a absolute masterpiece, great writing , great acting and great comedy. Love ya man!
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User #35108870 - 20 Jun 20 22:26
No not one of the best videos. Unquestionably your best. Keep doing what your doing Danny
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User #34623727 - 20 Jun 20 22:29
Awesome! Time to take a reasonable amount of edibles, wait a bit for it to kick in and watch this descent into madness hahaha
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User #35270979 - 20 Jun 20 23:37
This is definitely your masterpiece! Phenomenal job Danny!
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User #32395590 - 20 Jun 20 23:57
i dont even remember the junkie guy but his bit is fucking gold
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User #33074250 - 20 Jun 20 23:07
Really appreciate how you deliver to the Patreon peeps Danny!
user avatar
User #30478171 - 20 Jun 20 22:56
Danny Mullen making me orgasam with his angelic poetry
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User #27827898 - 20 Jun 20 22:26
I can tell how much work you put into this video!! By far one of the best pieces of work you’ve put out and I know you’re just going to keep getting better! Keep up the good work brother 💪🏻
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User #29967227 - 20 Jun 20 22:23
Sweet
East Coast AMA 2020-06-18T18:51:07+00:00

Currently 30,000 ft about the American south west and trying desperately to get this week's video out. I have my editor on getting a Patreon raw cut from either the Texas video or this week's Fear and Loathing, but while we're up here, do you guys have anything you want to ask? On the plane with Nico and Leo, and we should have time to get to some of the questions once we land!

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Comments (21)
user avatar
User #37156934 - 18 Jun 20 18:55
has Nico ever managed to get with higher then a five?
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User #20499219 - 18 Jun 20 18:54
what do you guys about the Chris D'Elia stuff that came out, think it would be an interesting podcast topic for you guys for sure
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User #31880724 - 18 Jun 20 18:54
Would you rather have a vagina on your forehead or a row of penises down your back like a stegosaurus
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User #35901712 - 18 Jun 20 18:53
Hey guys. Other than the filming days what are your favourite times to spend together? Also what are all your favourite countries (other than US)? Cheers Danny x
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User #37071613 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
Danny how long did you skate for and were you any good?
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User #34999153 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
have you ever been to new jersey
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User #35789183 - 18 Jun 20 18:55
Upload requests - your stand-ups; extras from the high school reunion video
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User #34999153 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
rat dick ralph is getting sober, what is your thoughts on him?
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User #29174347 - 18 Jun 20 18:52
Not much just let nico know he’s a pussy for me thanks
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User #36058546 - 18 Jun 20 18:55
Have you ever been to Atlanta?
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User #37157982 - 18 Jun 20 18:52
Have you ever considered taking up a hiphop career after your freestyle on Leo’s channel?
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User #36715822 - 18 Jun 20 18:53
Did you just up and leave for Las Vegas originally or did you have things set up already, like a job and a place to stay?
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User #26492784 - 18 Jun 20 18:57
I wanna hear about everyone’s first blowy
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User #35392044 - 18 Jun 20 22:17
i’m pretty sure danny had his in hs with some chick under a bridge while she kneeled on her shoes
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User #35655626 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
What are the chances we see a sex tape come out of anyone in the crew?
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User #36638556 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
how difficult was it for you to imitate Johnny depot (Hunter) in this weeks video? have you partaken in most of his favorite substances (tripped?) just curious brotha. Depp played that perfectly u were great also
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User #25475304 - 18 Jun 20 18:56
Where are you guys headed
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User #35333733 - 18 Jun 20 18:52
Any of you apart of the mile high club? I know Nico isn’t, of course.
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User #35902651 - 18 Jun 20 18:55
Yeah I second @ethan’s comment, let that boy Nico know he’s a puss puss mcguss Oh and would you rather have your big toenail ripped off with a dull knife going underneath the nail or would you rather suck out all the puss from a cyst that’s the size of a baseball and gargle it in your mouth?
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User #35655626 - 18 Jun 20 18:53
Have you every engaged in a threesome with nico of Leo? And if not would you be open to it.
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User #29543186 - 18 Jun 20 18:52
Danny what did you do to stay motivated for sports when u where fighting
The Wave Passage
The Wave Passagemore_vert
2020-06-17T02:24:34+00:00
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The Wave Passage 2020-06-17T02:24:34+00:00close

My take on the famous Wave Passage from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. A segment of Thursday's video. To any of you who have read some of the written stories on here, this should make a lot of sense.


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Comments (28)
user avatar
User #31083331 - 17 Jun 20 02:40
You fuckin rock danny keep doing you man been watching your shit for a while now just rented fear and loathing to rewatch and it was 4.20$ fuck yeah bud you are one if not the only mother fucker out there creating original creative comedy content fucking legend love you man.
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:41
Thanks so much, Taylor!
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User #31040334 - 17 Jun 20 02:31
loved this man !
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:34
Thanks for the feedback, dude!
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User #35901712 - 17 Jun 20 03:01
So so excited for this new vid now
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User #37128258 - 17 Jun 20 02:37
Amazing video btw !
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:42
A lot more than now, but honestly I was still getting a lot of writing done and staying sober a good chunk of the time. Glad you liked it, bro!
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User #7138030 - 17 Jun 20 10:12
Can’t wait for this Danny! Super excited
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User #35108870 - 18 Jun 20 02:17
Danny your writing keeps getting better and better
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User #27827898 - 17 Jun 20 02:28
this is gonna be the best video yet!! I can’t wait
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:33
It's going to be an experience, man!
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User #33845505 - 18 Jun 20 06:18
That was done vert well and was entertaining. The Elliot Smith was a good touch. It was like Good Will Hunting meets Fear and Loathing. Keep it up, brother.
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User #27638322 - 17 Jun 20 09:26
Insane! How'd you get that safari jacket? Been looking for one for ages. This is gonna be a classic.
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User #29376750 - 18 Jun 20 01:41
Great writing!
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User #37128258 - 17 Jun 20 02:37
I wish I knew the younger Dannny ! You looked liked you were always partying ! Haha
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User #6005361 - 17 Jun 20 14:59
The amazing thing is i was obsessed with this sort of literature going through that period in my life in the early 90's, however i never got around to reading 'fear and loathing', I was reading Bukowski back to back, in a haze. Then one day i saw that it was going to be turned into a film and featuring the current crop of weedy, pretty boy actors of the time (bastards). I was depressed and turned off of ever wanting to watch it. Now all these years later i still haven't read that book. I'm sure I'll love the video on Thursday and be obligated to read the book, finally.
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User #37175577 - 17 Jun 20 15:17
Thats cool and all but did you do any LSD
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User #23618120 - 17 Jun 20 05:03
"Too weird to live, and too rare to die."
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User #35333733 - 17 Jun 20 03:12
Elliott Smith and Danny Mullen. Equal in my eyes.
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User #20602720 - 17 Jun 20 02:29
Hey, I had that same pool experience! Only difference is I was escorted out of the premises and am now a registered sex offender!
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:33
hahah fuck, man! So harsh
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User #30478171 - 17 Jun 20 10:59
How very poetic! It just serves to show you Danny Mullen can transition from simple and drunken debauchery in Arizona one week, to saving Austin the next week, to making a mark in Las Vegas the next week. This ladies and gentlemen, is the modern day orgasam donor. The loins of women are left with no stability, twitching , flooding, as Danny Mullen walks through the Las Vegas strip. They all wish one day to be featured in a "Girls I had Sex with" video.
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User #34999153 - 17 Jun 20 02:26
hey danny! i was just wondering a lot of your funny ass videos were taking down and i wanted to rewatch them. is their anyway you can reupload them privately on the patreon. love the videos man, keep it up brotha!
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:33
Hey bro, they'll all be unprivated when my strike is up!
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User #16149782 - 17 Jun 20 02:53
Holy shit Danny, awesome writing! To say I'm hyped for the full video would be an understatement man
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:57
Thanks Bailey!
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User #37156934 - 17 Jun 20 02:25
Nothing better to accompany work then some content made by The Danny Mullen
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:33
Fuck yeah!
Girls I had Sex with #22, #23 and #24
Girls I had Sex with #22, #23 and #24more_vert
2020-06-16T03:59:16+00:00
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Girls I had Sex with #22, #23 and #24 2020-06-16T03:59:16+00:00close

More stories for you weasels!


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Comments (24)
user avatar
User #35745982 - 16 Jun 20 04:00
Danny can you do a fan meet up in Virginia?
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:16
Not sure if it's going to happen this time, man!
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User #26399314 - 28 Jun 20 05:40
Danny your story telling is always a j0y to my ears! keep up the hilarious work
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User #25386201 - 16 Jun 20 19:03
I’m so jealous of you Americans. Vegas truly is a horny drunkard’s paradise.
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:17
You're welcome to check it out, bro!
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User #22762018 - 16 Jun 20 03:59
Love ya
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User #30478171 - 16 Jun 20 10:55
""As you get older you stop wearing condoms"- Archduke Mullen. I realized the same thing when I was 19
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:17
Hahah it took me until 22
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User #35229639 - 16 Jun 20 06:48
You don’t get content like this elsewhere 😂😂
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:16
Thanks!
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User #37177813 - 16 Jun 20 09:41
Plese make another video like the giving iPhones to students who do blackface video that was the funniest shit ever
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:17
Definitely a great one
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User #32643376 - 16 Jun 20 11:24
Danny liberated the Jews!
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User #37156934 - 16 Jun 20 11:34
This right here? This is quality fucking content. All hail Danny Mullen!
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:17
Thanks bro!
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User #32346072 - 16 Jun 20 07:39
Please come to Seattle. Also are you planning on making another AMA?
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:17
Yeah man, I could do another AMA soon! Going to go live again soon too
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User #36813726 - 16 Jun 20 05:05
When Danny uploads it’s one of the few things that brings genuine joy to my life and keeps me going. Very inspirational as well
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:16
Thanks Alex!
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User #30362504 - 16 Jun 20 04:31
Danny you still doing cameo?
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:16
Yes sir, all the time!
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User #29649367 - 17 Jun 20 02:16
GOOD shit the Rendition of the Easter island guys advances got me laughing out loud
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User #37111392 - 16 Jun 20 05:30
Danny, BME Pain Olympics style video ?
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DannyMullen - 17 Jun 20 02:16
Hahaha yeah that'll be up soon
30+ Minutes of Havasu/Frat Video Extra Content and Deleted Scenes
30+ Minutes of Havasu/Frat Video Extra Content and Deleted Scenesmore_vert
2020-06-10T18:57:19+00:00
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30+ Minutes of Havasu/Frat Video Extra Content and Deleted Scenes 2020-06-10T18:57:19+00:00close

Here it is! Overall, really really proud of this video. The fire extinguisher intro had all the explosiveness needed to keep people watching, and the scripted, frat segment contained some, in my opinion, strong joke writing (I've been focused on watching great joke guys lately: Jeff Ross, Jimmy Carr, Dave Attell). Also, I'm hyped I mustered the courage to jump that fucking bridge, because there were many times in the scouting process where I just felt like I wasn't going to do it.

The middle segments, many of which are seen here, were the most difficult to film. It was really loud out there, and loud, I'm starting to understand, isn't good for comedy. There's no subtlety in the dialogue. Everything is shouted. What's more, this was a really big family weekend for some reason, so whatever bits we had going on, we had to do them in front of the subject's skeptical looking siblings or parents.

Again, I'm happy with the video though, and I'm psyched I was able to come back from the strike in top form.


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Comments (23)
user avatar
User #11834467 - 12 Jun 20 21:49
go to CHAZ the new independent state in Seattle
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User #35108870 - 12 Jun 20 00:34
Dude Austin’s a fuckin champ.
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User #36291986 - 11 Jun 20 05:14
The blond drunk guy was fucking hilarious
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User #24087709 - 13 Jun 20 06:31
fucking loved it
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User #30478171 - 10 Jun 20 19:44
its comical how the hot girls react positively to papa mullen and the fat ones give him shit
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User #25263284 - 10 Jun 20 19:32
Lol “you play football?” “No” “think about it” Also, fuck those dudes who were butthurt that you maybe called their girl a bitch
user avatar
DannyMullen - 11 Jun 20 00:11
Agreed. Dick heads
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User #26295752 - 11 Jun 20 05:16
extra*
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User #32346072 - 11 Jun 20 05:42
Im going to be tailgating Danny's you tube channel all day tomorrow waiting for the Thursday drop
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User #34568511 - 10 Jun 20 19:02
The video was fucking great, I really enjoy any video with an insight into the psyche of the former (douchier) Danny!
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User #36614126 - 12 Jun 20 20:18
Another DM classic. Although if you have any jiu jitsu clips you should toss them on here if possible.
user avatar
User #22575456 - 13 Jun 20 00:34
I second that
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User #35853373 - 11 Jun 20 21:31
I had to pound a steel reserve after seeing this was posted. DANNY youve made your city proud, SF loves you.
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User #36393066 - 12 Jun 20 23:40
facetime tiddies are needed
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User #35901712 - 10 Jun 20 20:57
Good shit Danny. Why did those guys get so angry that you might’ve called that girl a bitch? Haha
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DannyMullen - 11 Jun 20 00:11
They were just hammered idiots.
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User #30478171 - 10 Jun 20 19:43
wet bowling ball
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User #37156934 - 13 Jun 20 23:25
Fuck yes Danny!
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User #31389114 - 12 Jun 20 20:22
The gang of retards that thought you called that fat girl a bitch are the epitome of lake trash.
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User #35333733 - 11 Jun 20 02:00
Ever considered making a movie starring the Mullen gang?
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User #26295752 - 11 Jun 20 05:15
thanks for the exrea content danny
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User #7138030 - 10 Jun 20 23:38
Great fucking video Danny ! , also what Mike/ recorder do you use ?
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DannyMullen - 11 Jun 20 00:12
A tascam lapel microphone, and the handheld one I use is Tascam as well. Not sure exactly the models, but if you amazon them you'll recognize them!
History Lessons with Cassady Campbell
History Lessons with Cassady Campbellmore_vert
2020-06-08T04:49:47+00:00
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Hey, everyone! Been on the road in Dallas and have been struggling to find time to get content up on here. My apologies, and here is a sneak peak of a gold nugget of a clip coming this Thursday. This video is going to be very very special.


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Comments (25)
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User #14607965 - 9 Jun 20 22:52
Hahahaha I knew Wanksta & Papa Mullen would be a great combination :')
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DannyMullen - 10 Jun 20 18:58
It was a great combo for sure, man! I have to do more
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User #34456661 - 8 Jun 20 19:43
❤❤❤
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User #30478171 - 8 Jun 20 22:49
and suddenly, i am aroused
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DannyMullen - 9 Jun 20 13:41
me too
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User #24152369 - 8 Jun 20 05:08
Snaggle!! Yeeahgle!! My thong is ripped to the side demanding Cassidy camel to frank the fuck down on the Ft Worth stockyards!! Fuck BILL PICKETT!!
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User #7138030 - 8 Jun 20 05:03
fucking hilarious!
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 05:33
Thanks Quinn!
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User #35831953 - 10 Jun 20 00:54
Dang this has nothing to do with this clip but I wanted to reach you and commenting on this would be best way. I think it’d be fucking dope if y’all ran with the frat idea from your last vid. Y’all could like make that your brand. Like the Nelk boys with full send. We have gamma delta roh sigma. Just my $0.02 🤷🏻‍♂️
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DannyMullen - 10 Jun 20 18:59
Hahah dude, it would just be tough to sell a bunch of shit that said RAPE on it
user avatar
User #35831953 - 10 Jun 20 19:07
Yeah you got a valid point that I over looked 🤣🤣
user avatar
User #33074250 - 8 Jun 20 07:50
The only two YouTube peeps I am subscribed to on Patreon. Hopefully DM will appear on Cass' feed also :)
user avatar
DannyMullen - 9 Jun 20 13:41
Yes sir! I should
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User #32346072 - 8 Jun 20 06:29
Will Jackhammer Jeremy make a return in the foreseeable future?
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DannyMullen - 9 Jun 20 13:41
A lot of people hate that character, so absolutely.
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User #20804859 - 8 Jun 20 05:04
My two fav Youtubers. Shhhyyyyt
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 05:33
Bro, a lot more footage coming too
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User #28234335 - 8 Jun 20 06:37
Omg 😂 so excited for the full vid now !
user avatar
DannyMullen - 9 Jun 20 13:41
Going to be great
user avatar
User #14383913 - 10 Jun 20 02:07
Oakland's most wanted
user avatar
User #29174347 - 8 Jun 20 04:55
Fuck the cattle
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 04:58
Hahah fuck em
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User #27386790 - 8 Jun 20 04:50
Any thoughts on Cody Garbrandts KO
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 04:52
I'm psyched, man!
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User #35984915 - 9 Jun 20 22:36
Lmao Danny freed the cattle
Foo Interview! Frat stories, double teams, real estate
Foo Interview! Frat stories, double teams, real estatemore_vert
2020-06-03T21:27:48+00:00
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Foo Interview! Frat stories, double teams, real estate 2020-06-03T21:27:48+00:00close

Meet the guy who was instrumental in me getting my channel started. I made sure to ask him your questions!


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Comments (12)
user avatar
User #25263284 - 3 Jun 20 21:52
I have so much Danny Mullen content to consume right now
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User #34568511 - 3 Jun 20 21:59
Fuck Bitcoin or commodities, Danny Mullens Patreon is the most prudent investment one can make!
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User #36452336 - 4 Jun 20 00:19
waiting on tomorrows video!!!
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User #32346072 - 4 Jun 20 00:13
If Foo replaced Leo on the podcast I wouldn't be mad. I still love Leo tho
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User #14607965 - 4 Jun 20 16:20
Bad Opinion, Leo is a Comedian and can improv great bits, unlike Foo who is a real estate agent
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User #34686002 - 5 Jun 20 07:46
also he is a jew
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User #35853373 - 5 Jun 20 17:22
love foo but id be mad, leos comedy is great, who else would keep danny in check??
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User #14607965 - 7 Jun 20 20:06
Danny how come the 24 Hour Survival Challenge has been taken down?
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 05:34
I need to cut the jizz eating scene!
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DannyMullen - 8 Jun 20 05:34
For community guidelines reasons
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User #25386201 - 3 Jun 20 22:56
Foo is a great guy. In order to ascend to the big leagues, he still has to add a hippopotamus to his laylist though. Thanks for answering our questions, Danny! Spot-on advice about how to make threesomes happen. The real estate portion of the talk was good stuff as well.
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User #7138030 - 3 Jun 20 22:11
Awesome video Danny! Keep er comin
Frat Stories w/ my College Buddy Nicholai
Frat Stories w/ my College Buddy Nicholaimore_vert
2020-06-02T23:22:43+00:00
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Frat Stories w/ my College Buddy Nicholai 2020-06-02T23:22:43+00:00close

Getting into my douchiest Spring Break ever, destruction of other houses, and some of my signature frat moves.




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Comments (16)
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User #36291986 - 2 Jun 20 23:27
Danny, it would be hilarious if you made an Impractical Jokers style video with your crew
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User #25263284 - 3 Jun 20 15:12
Yes! Great idea
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User #7138030 - 3 Jun 20 00:37
Ask Foo About his real estate ventures, aswell as his cock size
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DannyMullen - 3 Jun 20 18:08
Yes sir!
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User #36427581 - 2 Jun 20 23:26
Danny I listen to your stories to help me forget about my ex. Thanks for the comedy🖤
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DannyMullen - 3 Jun 20 18:08
Glad to hear it, man!
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User #33364281 - 4 Jun 20 03:03
Fuccckkk i missed this i want to know why foo is so rich
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User #34531641 - 3 Jun 20 06:40
I feel like I’m the Danny Mullen of my fraternity
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DannyMullen - 3 Jun 20 18:08
I'm proud of you
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User #30478171 - 4 Jun 20 11:37
There should be a netflix movie on Danny Mullen
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DannyMullen - 2 Jun 20 23:23
Going to do one of these with Foo tomorrow! Most of you guys know him as the dude who filmed my first 6 videos, has appeared in many since, and with whom I've shared about 10 women. Including a double vaginal. Anything you guys want me to ask?
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User #36291986 - 2 Jun 20 23:56
Ask him to show us his UNCENSORED cock
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User #26492784 - 3 Jun 20 02:04
Has he ever tried his hand at a double vaginal without the great Danny Mullen by his side?
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User #25386201 - 3 Jun 20 12:43
Ask him about the biggest warthog that he put his penis in
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User #25386201 - 3 Jun 20 14:56
Two more questions: 1. Tell us the funniest / most memorable / most fucked up story of you guys double-teaming a girl. 2. How would you guys get girls to have threesomes with you?
user avatar
User #14607965 - 3 Jun 20 17:36
Ask Foo about the hottest girl he ever fucked
He's Not My Buddy, He's my Boyfriend! story 2020-05-31T14:35:45+00:00

The written version of the story I told on Thursday's live. I have quite a few of these stories/pieces hidden in various places online. I figured they all sucked and I'd never share them, but reading this changed my mind. There are plenty of changes I'd make if I'd written it today, instead of six years ago, but I really enjoyed rereading it, and thought you guys might like it too.

I'll continue posting stuff like this on a more regular basis.

----------------------------------------

The Christian Lisa was ovulating.

Or, at least, I was pretty sure she was at the time.

“How do you know that?” asks Consonant Tift, after I let him in on this little secret.

“There’s no other way to explain it,” I say. The two of us are moving briskly through the Saturday night casino floor, heading for (where else?) the blackjack pits. “First, this girl is the biggest, most Christ-worshipping prude I know of, and second, she has never demonstrated anything more that mild interest in me in the past.”

Then I show him her texts: a flock of “hey’s,” “hi’s,” and smiley faces littering the last two days. And now, at 10 o’clock p.m., she’d taken to badgering me about “hanging out.”

Consonant shakes his head, pushes my phone away: “She’s probably just drunk, dude.”

“Well…I hope you’re right–but that doesn’t explain the texts from yesterday.”

The least crowded table seats two other gamblers–a friendly looking couple in their 50’s or 60’s.

They smile as we approach.

Consonant and I glare back.

After a few months of studying the game, we were at the height of our blackjack snobbery. Never mind our $75 Men’s Wearhouse suits; our bankrolls that allowed us to play no higher than $5 tables; the fact that, until midnight, Consonant was forced to show his older brother’s driver’s license to the dealers. In our minds, we owned the fucking casino.

I make a move for one of the stools, but Consonant catches me by the shoulder: “Hold on–let’s watch these fuckers play a few hands first.”

I shrug, pull my phone back out from my pocket. At first I figured I’d give The Christian Lisa an invite after our session, but now seems as good a time as any.

“What’s our room number again?” I ask, trying to sound casual.

“Why?” says Consonant, still lazer-eyed on the cards. “For what?”

“I’m inviting this girl over,” pointing innocently to my phone.

“Now?” says Consonant.

“Yeah…now,” I repeat. Then looking up. “What’s the problem?”

Consonant throws me some stern eye contact here: “You know my brother and his boyfriend are being real pieces of shit tonight.”

“…So?” weakly.

He continues to stare.

Of course, I knew where he was going with this. I’d actually been considering the problem myself, since around 5 o’clock–when I first decided to invite the girl. I knew damn well it would catch me some heat, but I also knew something else: that when a hot girl is ovulating, or, as was more likely the case here, when the gravity of the moon or some planet is tugging at her groin in a way that makes her want you like never before, for no good reason at all, you cannot back down. It was time to get slippery.

“Dude, this is your birthday party,” chuckling, patting him on the back. “And there are already like, 25 people in the suite. She’ll just stop in, have a few drinks, and leave–those bastards won’t notice a thing.”

Consonant does not appear convinced. I size him up for a second, and then decide to change strategies.

“Look–9 against the House’s 5,” I say, pointing. “What’ll they do?”

If I know Consonant Tift–and I do–his attraction to technical blackjack is about as magnetic as a Cocker Spaniel’s to pheasant.

His head jolts back to the game; his center of gravity drops a few inches, bracing himself. The couple doubles down.

I complete the text, hastily, and take a seat while saying, “See? They know how to play. Nobody is going to fuck us up.”

But Consonant lingers, still eyeing the couple suspiciously. Finally, he grunts something, and then makes a point of choosing the stool furthest from them as possible.

Looking back now, I wonder what would have happened had I known the truth about that text message. Known that, on top of summoning The Christian Lisa, it would also be summoning an absolute nightmare of a scene. More specifically, a showdown between myself and not one, but two homosexuals–one of us bleeding from the head; one of us unconscious on the floor; and one of us shrieking at the top of his lungs, throwing windmill punches.

If I’d known that atrocity was on the horizon, well, I’d probably have gotten the fuck out of there.

Deleted The Christian Lisa’s phone number, marched right back to my truck, and peeled out of the parking lot–not easing up on the gas pedal until I knew Sacramento’s Thunder Valley Casino was at least 20 miles behind me.

But no. I was stuck in the present, and because of this, I was ignorant, and I was weak. Just another poor boy made powerless by the ceaseless demands of his Genital Brain.

“You did what?!” says Edward Tift–Consonant’s older, less-straight brother.

I don’t recall if it was me or Consonant who finally admitted that both Lisa and some friend of her’s were on their way, but it came out nonetheless. And now, almost immediately upon reentering the casino suite upstairs–which is massive, multi-roomed, and buzzing with the various drinking activities of a few clusters of people–I find myself being shouted at.

“Relax, man,” I say. “It’s a fucking party; what’s the big deal?”

“No, NO!” says Ed, flailing his hands wildly. “You went behind mine and Brian’s back! I canNOT believe this!” Emotionally, he’s in rare form. Seemingly on the brink of tears; definitely shithoused drunk.

Consonant, on the other hand, has become euphoric. From the near $300 in winnings now floating in his pocket, he draws a pair of twenties and begins dancing around, shaking them in his brothers face.

“They’re just coming by to say hi, dude,” I reason.

“Well, maybe they could have just come by and ‘said hi,’” begins Ed in mocking singsong. If you would’ve thought to ask BRIAN! THIS IS BRINAN’S FUCKING ROOM!” Losing control, he takes a swat at Consonant.

“Calm down,” I say. “Is the screaming necessary?

At that moment, the master bedroom’s doors are kicked open. Splinters and chunks of wood go sailing through the air; a mangled deadbolt clanks uselessly to the floor.

(Actually, the doors were just opened…you know, regular style…but I need drama here. See, this is the first appearance of our principle antagonist. Not a time for fucking around.)

As Brian marches over the wreckage of the doorframe, a tense silence falls over the room. From somewhere, a fleet of high-noon-gunfight whistles sound. Somebody off screen shakes a rattle. A spaced out camera man requires some prodding, but then even he snaps to and dives for the floor; nails a nice elevating scroll shot from down there, a catalogue of our villain:

Steel toe boots.

Thick, pasty calves.

Cargo shorts.

A pudgy body concealed by an orange Hollister shirt.

Arms covered in swastika tattoos and various references to his 5-year-old daughter.

A big, pissed off, poorly dressed, nazi gay. The fascist imagery and daughter a relic of his former life–the one where he was, in fact, “straight.”

Ed wastes no time in flapping over to his lover’s side.

“What’s going on!?” demands the Nazi.

Oh, let’s see here,” begins Ed. “Danny”–he almost pirouettes before pointing a finger at me–“just invited his LITTLE SLUTS OVER WITHOUT ASKING ANYBODY!”

“Woah, Woah!” I say. “Let’s pump the brakes here. One of these girls is a servant of God, I’ll have you know.”

The Nazi’s head snaps my way; his eyes start to fill with hate. Not even a second later, he’s across the room, on tiptoes, in my face. He examines me for a moment before growling, “I heard you boys were doing some gambling tonight.”

“Yeah bitch!” calls Consonant from the bar, shaking up a drink. “I’m up three bills, mother fucker!”

The Nazi lets out a grunt, then gives me the once-over with his eyes. “What about you, Skinny. You win too?”

the fuck…

“Umm, a little bit?” I say, guessing.

He holds his ground. For what feels like one long, uncomfortable minute, we are staring into each other’s eyes–still at very close range.

“So…is it, you know, OK if these girls come over?” I finally say–wanting, needing to relieve the tension.

The Nazi considers this. But then–and this is where things got really strange–he lets out a horrible, high-pitched guttural noise: dinosaur like, slowly rising in volume, maintaining eye-contact the whole time, before storming off to the dining table. Once there, he yanks out a chair, steals one more glance at me over his shoulder, and plops into his seat.

“Holy fuck,” I exhale, looking around the room. I badly needed a witness–some kind of confirmation that this whole showdown wasn’t a figment of my imagination.

No luck: Consonant is consumed by his work behind the bar. And Ed, suddenly docile, is waiting patiently for a drink.

I take the stool next to him, hesitantly. Still deeply disturbed.

But there was also a bit of hope–hope that Lisa may be allowed over after all, that I’d be able to do what I wanted to do with her, that all would be forgotten.

In retrospect, this seems naive. Ed, a 25-year-old man, was drunk to the point of screaming and crying at me. His equally drunk boyfriend had responded to one of my questions by screeching like a pterodactyl. Toss in the fact that at least one of them looked back fondly on the Third Reich, and you have a recipe for disaster.

No–nothing was resolved here. The Lisa Situation was just a lightly sedated badger–shot up with a low-potency tranquilizer by some incompetent vet tech, and now dozing precariously in the living room.

The nerves I felt when The Christian Lisa called from the hallway were evidence that, on some level, I was aware of all this.

“Hey!” says Lisa. “Come get us at the door!”

I nod, hang up, take a sip of my drink. Then, slowly, trying to be as casual as possible, get up from my stool and slide towards the hall.

But a drunk card player at the dining table sees me go. “Danny,” he calls. “What does this other girl look like?”

I cringe, then shrug.

“Well…” he begins lewdly. “If she’s lookin’ good…you know where to send her!” He molds his fingers into pistols, mimes the act of shooting me, smiles idiotically.

I roll my eyes. But I also cast a nervous glance at the Nazi, who seems to be tense.

In the foyer, on the verge of seeing The Christian Lisa for the first time in months, memories of the girl are cued up. This is convenient, actually, since I feel like you could probably use a little more background.

It won’t take long, though. As far as gross human worth, The Christian Lisa is so unremarkable that I feel comfortable whittling down her existence into these two facts:

(1) For around six months, I had tried desperately to get into her pants, and (2) presumably because of the intervention of Jesus Christ, I had failed to do so.

No exaggeration there: she was powerfully religious.

Dangerously religious.

Religious on a level that pretty much ensured she got nothing done in the real world.

The best example of this comes from the summer of 2010, when I was still going to school at Sierra–a community college, and pretty much high school part two for most kids in the Sacramento area.

The Christian Lisa was a student there as well, and we’d recently met in a history class. Translation: my assault on her chastity was well underway.

“Hey Danny,” she began one afternoon on the walk back to our cars. “I’m going to be out of town for a little bit after this week; could you possibly share your notes with me when I get back?”

“Yeah,” I said, automatically. “No problem.”

“Ok, awesome!”

Waitaminute now…aren’t you forgetting something, Danny?

“My handwriting is a little sloppy, though.” I blurt out. “Maybe we can…I don’t know… meet up at my place…go over them when you get back?”

Much better.

Leave it to me to try leveraging everything and anything into a sexual scenario.

“Ok. I’d like that!” she said.

I’m such a wily old sea dog.

But I hadn’t counted on what came next.

“I’ll be back on the 5th,” she continued. “Maybe we can plan it for somewhere around there?”

“Oh, the 5th,” I said, a little disappointed. “So you’re going to miss what, a day?

“No no–the 5th of August.

I stopped walking. Began blinking at the ground. August? I was fairly certain we’d just entered the month of July…

“Lisa, this is a six week course.”

“I know.”

“But, but…you’re proposing missing over a month of class.”

“Yeah–I’m counseling at a bible camp in Lassen, I can’t miss it.”

“Oh…Lassen. Bible camp. Right.”

Of course, secretly, I was appalled by this. But I managed to maintain a basic level of composure for the rest of the walk to the parking lot. I was too young, and she was far too hot for me to risk any kind of challenge.

For those curious, she ended up making it to about seven of the total twenty-four lectures. Attendance and weekly quizzes were a part of our grade, meaning there is no way in fuck she passed.

Why would she even register for the class? Did she expect Jesus to pull a heist on Sierra College? To thrown on a ski mask, break a window, nab the grade book and tamper with her point totals?

Well, as far as I know, he didn’t do that. And after the Bible Camp Incident, I effectively considered The Christian Lisa to be retarded. I never took her seriously again but, of course, that didn’t stop me from trying to bed her. Though the task often seemed impossible, it looked as if my persistence might finally pay off.

“Danny!” says The Christian Lisa, throwing herself through the threshold for a hug. She looks great, and I’m feeling better already. “So good to see you! This is Megan, by the way,” she adds while disengaging. “She drove tonight.”

I look Megan up and down.

I don’t like to throw this word around too often but, appearance wise, she is an abomination. A companion Lisa picked up at bible camp, no doubt, and whose outfit and skewed body to head size ratio make her look like some kind of homeless pelican.

“Hi. Megan. Great to meet you,” forcing a smile, turning to lead the girls inside.

I’m the first into the main room, and I see the drunk card player watching me eagerly. He even seems to be mouthing, Is she hot?

I wipe my brow, whistle, give him a big double thumbs up.

His eyes sparkle, but this only lasts until he actually sees Megan. Then he just looks confused–maybe even hurt–before slowly turning back to his card game.

Naturally, my first order of business is feeding liquor to The Christian Lisa, to jam any transmissions she may be exchanging with God.

“Lisa, Megan–what’ll it be to drink? You strike me as vodka girls, the both of you.” I swipe a bottle of Three Olives off the shelf. “I’ve got just the thing here–a vintage: Pre-War, of course.”

“Wait a second!” Lisa objects. “We just got here–introduce us to everybody!”

My eyes narrow. I don’t like where this is going

But before I can smother the plan in its cradle, she catches a glimpse of Edward, slumped drunkenly at the bar.

“Hi!” she squeaks, popping up at his side. “I’m Lisa, what’s your name?”

He slowly raises his head and looks her over, cross-eyed. The bastard is so drunk by now that he manages to slur both syllables while replying, “Hey. Ed.”

I sigh, relived. Edward Tift has either:

a.) Forgiven me

b.) Drunk himself past the point of caring

c.) Drunk himself past the point of reliable cognition

“Alright,” I say, hastily swooping her away from Ed. “And over here’s Consonant–the birthday boy”

Consonant bows, and looks to be fading quickly himself.

“Great–and that concludes introductions,” I say. “Let’s just grab some shot glasses here, a little vodka, a-and…”

But to my absolute horror, I see that The Christian Lisa is now bounding across the suite towards the card game. And worse: she’s heading for the nazi-controlled sector of table.

Panicking, I give chase, but catch myself halfway across the room. She’s already done the evil deed of striking up a conversation with the enemy and his companions.

“Yeah–I know Danny,” says The Christian Lisa. “We go to Sierra together, and he told me about the party here tonight!”

A few guys at the table mumble their vague approval.

But the Nazi is watching The Christian Lisa silently.

…oh god oh god…

“This suite is amazing, by the way,” adds Lisa. “Whose is it?”

“Oh...thanks,” the Nazi finally manages, I guess flattered. “My uncle got it for us; he knows some people here at the casino who were–”

Sweet relief. What could have been a disastrous situation, a goose sucked into the turbines of my sexual warplane, is narrowly averted.

But:

“Aww–that’s nice of your uncle!” says The Christian Lisa. “And how do you know everyone here?”

“Well, my boyfriend is Consonant’s brother, and we invited everyone out for–”

“Your, your boyfriend?” gulps Lisa.

Oh fuck.

“Yes. Edward. Over there.” He points proudly to the drunken corpse slumped facedown on the bar.

“Um, yeah,” begins Lisa, very slowly. “I’m like, Christian and stuff.”

Oh goddamnit Lisa. You wicked, wicked bitch.

By the time I reach the table to whisk her away, the statement is still just hanging in the air.

The card game–King’s Cup, I believe–has halted: all players staring at Lisa in disbelief. The Nazi is silent as well, and I’m too afraid to even look and see how he’s coping.

At least she was somewhat vague in her bigotry, I tell myself. Hopefully he’s too drunk to mine that comment for subtext.

Better to play it safe, though. Get her out of the Nazi’s field of vision for at least 15 minutes…

“Lisa, Megan–I have been a terrible host!” collecting the girls and nudging them back into foyer. “Have I not given you a tour yet?

“You haven’t!” chirps Megan, excited.

“Well, there’s only one place to start.”

I just about shove both girls into the massage room, then scan the hall to make sure I wasn’t followed. Satisfied, I enter the room myself, slamming the door behind me.

Like small children at a playground, the girls rush the massage bed and begin climbing and bouncing all over it.

And I’m trying desperately to lock the door, fiddling with and testing the thumb bolt.

“What’s with all these rocks?” calls The Christian Lisa. “Oh! They’re hot!”

“Nice find, Lisa,” I say, still nervous that a posse may be forming at the dining table. “Lucky for you two, this room actually represents one of the finest massage experiences in the state of California.” Now I’m moving towards the bed, cooking up a scheme as I go. “Girls–lay face down for me; let me show you what I mean.”

Obediently, simultaneously, they flop to their stomachs, hands at their sides.

“Good,” I say. “Now, these rocks–well, they aren’t just any rocks; they’re special: taken from a volcano in Iceland, actually.”

Neither girl attempts to dispute this. It occurs to me that they may both be on The Christian Lisa Educational Blueprint, and that this may be very, very easy.

“Once mined from the volcano’s interior, they were blessed by a group of elite local shamen, then rowed across the Atlantic to New York City. From there: caravanned by mule across the mainland to our west coast.”

After a moment’s hesitation, I drop a hand onto The Christian Lisa and begin kneading her back.

Very reluctantly, after realizing that sacrifices have to be made, I do the same to the homeless pelican.

It doesn’t take much massaging of Lisa–weaseling my hand up her shirt, almost at the bra strap–to change my dominant emotions from embarrassment and fear to lust and…lust. The Nazi, and whatever evil he may be cooking up, is far away.

“All right, girls–just a few minutes of preliminary rubbing, and then it’s time for the magic rocks.” I coo mysteriously.

About ten minutes later, I’ve got The Christian Lisa perched on the edge of the bed­–topless, kissing me.

And Megan is, at this point, more or less buried beneath a pile of stones.

Very early in the process, I began stacking a disproportionate amount of the things on her back–we’ll say three for every of The Christian Lisa’s one–hoping the excess weight would encourage her to stay as she was: motionless, facedown.

Just making out with The Christian Lisa is quite the victory for me, but having full access to her tits? That’s beginning to eat away at my self-control.

More than twice she’s had to drag my head up from that general area, after prolonged absences of real intimacy began to irritate her.

My excuse for the latest offense: “I’m sorry, babe–it’s just that you got me soo turned on.”

“Shhh!” counters Lisa, pointing at Megan.

We both glance at the girl: still lying there peacefully.

Why? Tough to know. Was my rock placement really working? Was she just oblivious? Maybe The Christian Lisa gave her a good talking to during the car ride over–about how a calendar year of devotion earns one the right to commit Certain Sins, and how tonight seemed as good as any to cash in. The human body can only be deprived of its nature for so long, after all. Maybe our friend Megan understood this, and was content to lay still and pretend to be asleep.

Either way, I decided it was high time to bust out one of my most trusted tactics.

“What are you doing!?” hisses Lisa.

“Wha? Huh? Oh. Oh that.” I begin looking around room, as if searching for a culprit. “How did that happen?”

My pants and underwear are now a puddle lying around my feet.

“Put those back on!” demands The Christian Lisa, but not entirely sure of herself.

“Pants? On?” playing dumb.

“Yes!” she says. “You can’t just like, do this!”

I stare blankly.

“Can you?” she finishes.

But by then, I’m already going back in for the kiss: trembling eyelids, closed to expose but a sliver of whites; moaning softly. Synthetic Romance: always an important tool for horn dog men looking to Get It In.

A smashing sound: the massage room doors are kicked open, for real this time. The hallway light is blinding.

Lisa shrieks, tries to cover up.

Stones clatter to the floor as Megan spooks back to life.

And, shackled at the feet, I go boing-boinging away–kangaroo style.

You,” says the Nazi, pointing at The Christian Lisa. “Leave. Now.”

“Oh my god!” says Lisa. “Close the door, CLOSE THE DOOR!”

But the Nazi is in no mood to negotiate. And more: the rest of the party is now forming ranks in the doorway, hoping to see some action.

Fumbling with my pants and rushing the door: “Ok, Ok!” I tell the Nazi. “They’ll leave; just let us get clothed.”

I’m briefly able to push him out, maybe buying Lisa some 30 seconds to find her bra. But then he’s back inside, overseeing the evacuation.

Megan is ordered off the bed, prompting a second avalanche of rocks.

The Christian Lisa is treated particularly rough, receiving murderous looks; once or twice called “little slut.”

She looks to me for back up, but what could I really say? Yes, the Nazi was being very extreme, and yes, I was pissed–another 10 minutes and I’m sure I could’ve had her palming my cock–but the girl had invoked a divine challenge against the host’s sexuality. There are worse ways to make a first impression, but not many.

Both girls are then unceremoniously ejected into the hallway. Lisa doubles back, saying something about a scarf, but the Nazi keeps her at bay with his boot, and finally slams the door.

Now he turns to me. “You have anything to say, Skinny?”

“Hey, fair play,” holding up my hands.

In truth, I should have just left with the girls. Instead of having Consonant argue on my behalf, and then staying on well past my welcome, I should have taken The Christian Lisa and Megan down to the casino for a real bender.

–Taught them both a thing or two about blackjack

–Got ‘em fucked up at the bar: “Drinks are on me, girls!” all the while slipping notes to the bartender: Doubles for the pelican girl=Double the tip.

Incapacitate the driver…strand The Christian Lisa. Pure strategy…

–Then maybe taken her out to my truck to pick up where we left off. Or both of them. Why not? Not like anybody would be around to judge, after all…

But no.

Instead of keeping a level head and staying on task, as a disciplined poune hound should, I’m now kicking back on one of the suite’s beds, watching late night television. Consonant Tift is belligerent next to me, cradling a bottle of rum in his arms.

“All I’m fucking saying is, you gotta know the plays.” He tries for a swig but misses, splashes a few ounces on his stomach. “The splits, the double downs–that’s where you make your money. You know–capitalize. Because, hand for hand, the House is always going to win.”

I nod, agreeing.

“That basic strategy shit you guys use doesn’t work, though.” This is, of all people, the Nazi, sprawled across the second bed. He’s even been amiable up to this point, believe it or not. “Sometimes, you have to take risks and play it by feel.”

Predictably, this statement enrages Consonant. “No–you’re just completely fucking wrong.”

“How?”

How?” says Consonant. “Because every hand combination in blackjack has been calculated millions, billions of times mathematically. There is always one, single play most likely to pay off.”

“But computers don’t know the specifics,” says the Nazi, unsure of himself, sounding defensive.

“What specifics?” this is me now, looking to call him on his nonsense. “The dealer’s name? How much you’ve had to drink?”–I chuckle here–“In terms of gameplay, the cards, the rules, and the number of decks are all that matter. And with basic strategy, every contingency has been accounted for.” I take a swing of my own drink, satisfied with how that came out.

“I was talking to Consonant,” says the Nazi, irritated. “Stay out of it, Skinny.”

Consonant: “He’s right though. You just make up this shit about ‘gut feelings’ and ‘specifics’ because you’re too lazy to learn the game.”

The Nazi stammers something but, unable to stop myself, I cut him off. “We can go to the scoreboard, too: tonight, I won about $150, and Consonant came up $300. You and Ed, if I’m not mistaken, got wasted, and then went on to lose around 400 collective dollars. Whose system worked better, would you say?”

Well, for the third time of the night, my personal space is about to be invaded. The angry Nazi is marching my way yet again.

“Listen, you skinny piece of shit,” he says, now standing next to my side of the bed. “I should have thrown your ass out for inviting that fucking slut over, but you’re Consonant’s friend, and it’s his birthday, so I let you stay.”

Now he puts one of those horrible black boots up on the sheets.

“But if you say another goddamn word about me or Ed, I will make you wish you were dead.”

He stays frozen on the spot, no doubt wanting some kind of apology or demonstration of fear. But I’d had about enough of the bastard.

“Alright–listen,” I sigh, propping myself up on the bed. “You are a gay man covered in swastika tattoos. Have you ever thought about how big of a fucking contradiction that is? If Hitler were alive today and saw you using that symbol, he wouldn’t reward you for your service; he’d have you drawn and quartered on the spot.”

The Nazi gasps.

“By the way, is this blood I see?” petting his left boot. “How many Jewish throats have you stomped in with these bad boys? Five? Si–”

A big overhand punch from the Nazi interrupts me. I manage to block it at the last second with my forearms.

“Ok, bitch,” I say, scrambling over Consonant and onto the floor. “You wanna do this?” A little hop here, and then into a wild Kung-Fu stance. “Comman!”

“Oh shit!” says Consonant, delighted by the turn of events. He pulls the rum bottle closer, his popcorn substitute.

“You little skinny bitch!” says the Nazi, rounding the bed. “I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“OooooWAH!” I howl.

He begins wading in–tense, hands poised at his chest.

I’m hopping back and forth–narrow eyed, hissing like a snake.

I even try for a flashy little twirl, but by the time I’ve spun around, the Nazi has bum rushed me–intending what seems to be some horrendous cross between a double leg takedown and a football tackle.

I snare the fucker in a guillotine choke before we both hit the floor. “Ha! Gotcha now, ya’ bastard.”

Right then, who comes through the doorway but that Edward Tift. Risen from his booze stupor. Back from the dead.

“I heard shouting!” he slurs, scanning the room. “What’s–” but then his gaze drops to me and, more specifically, my nazi assailant. “BRIAN! OH MY GOD!”

The Nazi is kicking and flailing, not seeming to enjoy the chokehold he finds himself in.

“Ed,” I say, laughing. “Can you get your buddy off of me? I think he’s looking to do some serious harm here.”

“THAT’S NOT MY BUDDY!” screams Ed, hysterical. “THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND!”

With this, he hoists his fist into the air–cartoon style–and rushes into the fray.

Fuck.

I look down at my arms: both currently in use on the Nazi’s neck.

Then I look up at Ed: wild-eyed, screaming like a barbarian, love drunk, coming right for me.

Well, this is going to suck.

For a brief moment, I bat my eyelashes and try to pacify him with a big smile: Common, now–we’re all friends here. You don’t really need to do this, do you? but my shit eating grin vanishes after I see he has no intentions of stopping.

For the folks at home: this is where Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training can get you into some trouble.

In the gym, when you have a clean lock on somebody’s neck, there is virtually no incentive to let go. But a street fight is a different beast. If lifted high into the air, for example, one should always release a choke, as the combination of your head, a slam, and the concrete may very well kill you.

When fighting two people–and who knows: Helio Gracie may have even devised a specific system for fending off gay couples–the same thing goes. Better to play it safe and just let go of the choke. Defense over offense any night of the year…

But while I understood these things intellectually, I struggled putting them into practice. A big, juicy neck, nestled between the forearm and shoulder, is a tough thing for a Jiu-Jitsu rat to just give away.

So I tuck my chin, tighten the choke, and prepare for whatever horrible storm Ed will unleash.

The first blow to my skull lands, hard. It makes my ears ring, knocks my vision sideways.

Then come four more.

“LET. GO. OF. MY BOYFRIEND!”

I think I see Consonant hop off the bed: maybe to aid me, maybe just to get a better look.

“OK! OK!” I say in a daze, releasing the Nazi, doin’ the white-flag routine with both my hands. The Nazi slumps to the floor, facedown.

Ed takes a step back, and for a few seconds we all just stand there, examining the scene.

All of us except for the Nazi, that is. He isn’t moving.

“Ah shit,” I say, feeling my hairline and pulling back blood.

“Are you…Ok?” asks Ed. He seems to be both sobered up and frightened by his actions.

“Yeah yeah, I just…I need to go to the bathroom.”

The figure I see staring back at me when I get to the mirror isn’t pretty.

Well, actually, given what happened in the bedroom, and who his opponents were, he’s about what you'd expect: bleeding from the side of the head, confused looking, twitching, mortally humiliated.

The humiliation was from the feeling that I lost. I mean, there wasn’t really a way to win in a situation like that (“Yeah–I beat the shit out of two gay dudes last night”), but not having to apply toilet paper to an open gash in my head would’ve made me feel a little better about the outcome.

And the mental state of the Nazi, who was technically the loser in this whole fiasco, wasn’t helping either.

Like a freshly bathed Labrador, he comes running and skidding past the bathroom door, then charges in–panting, crazy eyed, high as a kite from oxygen deprivation.

“Come here, buddy!” he bellows, pulling me into a hug and planting a big wet kiss on my cheek. “That was fucking great! I haven’t had a good fight in years!”

Without giving me much choice in the matter, he takes me under his arm and drags me towards the bar. “We have some celebrating to do–I’ll tell you that much.” Then he looks around, and lowers his voice slightly in order to confide, “Man, nobody parties like that anymore!”

The next thing I know, I’m planted in a bar stool with a bottle of scotch in front of me. And the Nazi is beelining to the bedroom, then rapping angrily on the door while shouting, “Get out here, you fucking pansies! We’re boozing till sun up!”

And so went the night. With myself, Consonant, Ed, and the Nazi all lined up on the bar–drinking whatever drink on which he insisted, hearing whatever fight stories from the heterosexual nazi days that came to his mind. And once or twice, I just had to shake my head, wondering what the fuck was going on, and how the fuck I got there.

But even this I could tolerate. The real medicinal drinking didn’t start until after a dark, emasculating realization hit me: that up until that point in my life, my only defeats in street fights had come at the hands of Mormons and gay people. Yes–things faded to black very quickly after that.

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Comments (12)
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User #33364281 - 31 May 20 21:12
Hahahahaha such gold
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DannyMullen - 1 Jun 20 15:03
Thank you!
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User #9425633 - 1 Jun 20 18:00
Don’t be a bootlicker or a copsucker.
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User #36010791 - 31 May 20 15:42
Stay safe during these times Danny and everyone else.
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DannyMullen - 1 Jun 20 15:03
You got it, Michael!
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User #25386201 - 31 May 20 14:56
Fuck yeah, dude! Thanks for sharing this with us. I think I speak on behalf of all patrons when I say that you could literally post Four-Fags-at-the-Beach-grade material and we'd still all devour it.
user avatar
DannyMullen - 1 Jun 20 15:03
Hahah that'll be the day I retire, but I appreciate it, man!
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User #33510119 - 31 May 20 14:51
Love the content.
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DannyMullen - 1 Jun 20 15:02
Thanks luke!
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User #34568511 - 31 May 20 14:37
This is great shit, looking forward to more in the future!
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DannyMullen - 31 May 20 14:38
Thanks James!
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User #34201599 - 2 Jun 20 15:24
Danny please facetime me, u promised :(
Noon Live. Let's do it! 2020-05-27T19:03:24+00:00

https://youtu.be/DyB8I7HDr8I

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Comments (4)
user avatar
User #35901712 - 27 May 20 21:35
A great live Danny. Managed to stay for all 2 and a half hours. Stay safe brother.
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User #11872982 - 27 May 20 22:22
He thought your last name was Hopkins at first and he called my name "distinguished." Use this to rate your self worth
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User #36165497 - 30 May 20 18:17
Does anyone have any info on the meetup next weekend?
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User #35901712 - 27 May 20 22:24
To be fair he did correct himself Abe. I think I’ll take this L as I can’t argue with a man secure enough to ask THE Danny Mullen to roast him.
Girls I Had Sex with #19, #20, #21
Girls I Had Sex with #19, #20, #21more_vert
2020-05-27T01:49:39+00:00
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Girls I Had Sex with #19, #20, #21 2020-05-27T01:49:39+00:00close

Here are the stories!



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Comments (12)
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User #31028085 - 27 May 20 06:14
Hellz yeah Danny. I hooked up with a high school crush a few weeks ago. 16 years in the making. Completely worth the wait. I think quarantine is making more chicks come out of the woodwork..
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User #38129418 - 2 Jul 20 08:52
I just did the same... She's gained some weight since high school but it was the thrill of fucking the high school crush. My first real squirter, Yea its piss but damn was it hot in the moment.
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User #29543186 - 27 May 20 01:50
Awww fuck ya
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User #35054272 - 28 May 20 22:40
Danny did you give your ratings for these girls in the video?
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User #34729753 - 27 May 20 03:06
ay what are the chances we get uncensored versions of the hottest fan competitions?
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User #24087709 - 27 May 20 03:36
lmao
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User #25263284 - 27 May 20 02:03
Thank you Danny! These make my day
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 02:21
You got it, Keith!
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User #35901712 - 27 May 20 01:50
Let’s go Danny!
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User #18667882 - 27 May 20 13:46
The death star analogy is fucking hilarious
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User #35853373 - 27 May 20 01:50
Goat?
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User #34201599 - 2 Jun 20 15:24
Danny please facetime me, you promised :(
Noon live tomorrow? (PST) 2020-05-27T01:33:42+00:00

Hey, everyone! Uploading a Girls I Had Sex with right now, but I want to do something tomorrow too. How about a noon live for the people in different time zones?

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Comments (22)
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User #25263284 - 27 May 20 01:34
Absolutely!
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User #21937793 - 27 May 20 16:36
3pm est
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User #34993374 - 27 May 20 02:32
I'll be watching
user avatar
User #7224220 - 27 May 20 19:01
This still happening?
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User #35942506 - 27 May 20 01:41
i'm down!
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User #21937793 - 27 May 20 16:36
12pst
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User #34369698 - 27 May 20 01:40
I’ll be watching from work !
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User #29649367 - 27 May 20 02:22
When’s this gihsw gonna be up, don’t know whether to go to sleep
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User #7138030 - 27 May 20 01:34
Can’t wait Danny! Love ya brother
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User #34201599 - 2 Jun 20 15:24
Danny please facetime me, you promised :(
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User #37029784 - 12 Jun 20 01:41
stop being a bitch
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User #11872982 - 27 May 20 01:41
I should be able to squeeze that in between my John Wayne Gasey fan fiction revision session and my Hollywood Kalifornia hit piece reveal
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:51
Glad to hear it!
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User #21937793 - 27 May 20 16:36
Lets go!!!!
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User #31454528 - 27 May 20 01:36
I’ll be there!
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User #30478171 - 27 May 20 09:38
absolutely
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User #35904334 - 27 May 20 02:20
Down but can you post it after for us working scrubs?
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User #36031764 - 27 May 20 01:43
Count me in
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User #34985192 - 27 May 20 07:38
That’s 8pm for any UK fans wondering... can’t wait!
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 16:38
Glad to hear you guys can make it to this one!
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User #34732608 - 27 May 20 01:42
Hell yeah brah
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:51
Thanks everyone! We'll talk more tomorrow
Wizard of Oz Rough Patreon Cut
Wizard of Oz Rough Patreon Cutmore_vert
2020-05-23T01:00:16+00:00
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Wizard of Oz Rough Patreon Cut 2020-05-23T01:00:16+00:00close

Hey, mother fuckers. This is a super rough version of what we had. It's missing a ton of key segments (the whole ending), isn't trimmed down much (my editor and I didn't get a chance to combine our more refined cut). But still – I know a lot of you will appreciate it, and you're the ones who deserve it most.


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Comments (39)
user avatar
User #35904334 - 23 May 20 02:49
What up bitches I just bought Danny’s patreon
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User #30562861 - 23 May 20 03:04
fuck yeah thank you sir
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:13
You got it, Todd!
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User #29463953 - 23 May 20 01:02
Just when I thought my friday night was a bust we get this. Thanks Danny! You are the MAN! Coming in clutch for us Patrons. Keep it up dude.5 million dollar mansion will be yours
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:09
Glad I could take care of you guys! And thanks for the kind words, dude
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User #19553064 - 23 May 20 02:45
thank you danny, we needed some content this week.
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User #13792874 - 23 May 20 02:19
that intro with leo... xD
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
Hahah and Nico's Dad
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User #29543186 - 23 May 20 01:01
Thanks Danny 😚
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:08
You're welcome, Kelly!
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User #35896002 - 23 May 20 01:05
I’d wring my cock out like a wet rag just for Danny to play my music once
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User #29930389 - 23 May 20 01:06
Hell yea thanks for the entertainment brotha
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:09
You're welcome
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User #34618802 - 23 May 20 01:16
Cant wait to watch it when I get off work
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:09
Hope you enjoyed it, Ryan
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User #7637122 - 23 May 20 01:01
Gonna watch rn. Thanks for putting the work in, man. It builds loyalty for sure. Lots of creators get some popularity and then shoe it in.
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:06
All I care about is working hard and getting better, brother!
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User #7637122 - 27 May 20 01:10
Inspirational as fuck dude. Rare these days.
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User #7637122 - 27 May 20 01:10
Merit > anything else.
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User #35901712 - 23 May 20 02:49
Quality as always
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
Thanks Dan!
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User #28861137 - 23 May 20 01:37
thank you for this danny hope all turns out well on the youtube situation
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
It will, man!
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User #34019888 - 23 May 20 02:58
Thanks for the content Danny, Made my Friday!!! Kickass!
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:12
You're very welcome, Jason!
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User #30478171 - 23 May 20 01:46
Holy fuck, danny mullen has become a drug. I can´t live without this shit
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
Glad to hear it, bud. See you on the live tomorrow
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User #33434825 - 23 May 20 01:00
Much love danny.
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:06
Hell yeah
user avatar
User #34575080 - 23 May 20 01:01
Hero
user avatar
User #35165600 - 23 May 20 01:37
Dude fuck this I'm going boogie boarding
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
Solves all life's problems!
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User #7138030 - 23 May 20 01:01
Gonna get hammered and watch papa Mullen make dreams come true
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User #35152185 - 23 May 20 01:31
What I do Everytime 🏄
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:08
Hope you enjoyed it, Quinn!
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User #33472816 - 23 May 20 01:02
yes sirrrr. much love brother, keep pushin past this strike shit. we’re here for ya
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:08
Appreciate you, Tony!
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User #27562547 - 23 May 20 01:32
Thank you for uploadin it Danny
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:11
You got it, brother~
The Cum Omelet
The Cum Omeletmore_vert
2020-05-22T19:19:15+00:00
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This is what I think was the strongest passage from my 2016 book Home. I have mixed feelings about the whole project. I spend so many hours holed up in coffee shops and my bedroom writing – getting so close to it – that I don't think I had the objectivity needed to cut a few segments that needed to be cut. In places it's overwritten and maybe a tad boring, but still– this book was a raw fucking look at the hopelessness that was my life after graduating college. The Cum Omelet passage starts now.



The Cum Omelet

That summer–the post-college one, 2013–some girl permitted me,Tor Tarantula, Bladewing the Risen, and also this kid Neb to cook up our ejaculate in a frying pan and then feed it to her on a ceramic plate.

That happened. A girl really did that. And she did it for free, no less, while sober as a red-tailed hawk. I’m still somewhat mystified by this, even now.

But then again, maybe I shouldn’t be. The summer of ’13 was, after all, pretty fucked up. Some combination of the comfort of home, total unemployment, and an unwillingness to let the good times die with graduation led to this weird…

I don’t know. Mindset? Attitude? Emotional state?

Maybe the Beatles said it best,best in that one song from Abbey Road (1969; Rob Christgau’s opinion: “Flawed but fine.”):

Out of college, money spent

See no future, pay no rent

Oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go

There you go. The Magic Feeling. That’s what it was.

But I have to wonder if, when Paul sat down and penned those lyrics–you know, Paul: the guy who dropped his first No. 1 album when he was 20–I have to wonder if he had any fucking idea how potent the Magic Feeling really is. The kind of strange behavior it really can inspire in a graduated boy who has little in the way of future or housing expenses or places to go.

For one, it, the Magic Feeling, made me start skateboarding again. Made me start putting back and forth across the driveway in the afternoons: shirtless and lathered in sunblock, doing flip tricks and ollieing over cardboard boxes. Then waving to my parents when they pulled in after work, like I did when I was in 5th grade.

For two, the Magic Feeling made me commit no less than four acts of semi-public sex.

That summer, precisely once, I tried to bring a girl home and pollinate her while my parents were asleepasleep. precisely once.

It went poorly. I was wasted. The house has wood floors. My bed was only about 30 horizontal feet and a thin wall away from my parents’ bed. It’s, like,It’s like bottom-of-the-ocean silent out there in the country where they live. My mom is a notoriously light sleeper. Taken together, these things made for an atmosphere at breakfast the next morning that I had essentially zero interest in recreating.

Solution?

Truck. The Magic Feeling made it so that, if you walked down the right dirt road in Orangevale between June and September, you might have seen my bronze Ford truck idling in the moonlight: dick no doubt already out of my pants, some intrigued but hesitant girl riding shotgun, window cracked just enough to hear me whimpering “Will you please at least finish me off?

Lastly, the Magic Feeling compelled me to drink a 12-pack by myself one night, then hop in my truck and drive around Orangevale fucking shit.

In a summer filled with crime and recklessness, this act is among the elite. A presidentially bad idea, sharing Mount Rushmore with the in-house pollination attempt, the graffiti assault on Casa Roble Fundamental High School, and then of course all the business with the horse pasture and the bomb during the now infamous Jagermasters night (we’ll get there: to the graffiti and the bomb thing).

Memories of this drunk driving session are hazy. I do remember swerving around Mountain Avenue at probably 60 mph:mph, right hand on the wheel, left hand dragging somebody’s recycling can. I remember having my head out the window, too:too; wind in my hair, howling like a dog into the night…

At one point I’m pretty sure I even nosed my front bumper up against some random mailbox post, then stomped the gas. The game plan here, I think, was to bulldoze the piece of shit into the dirt, but no dice. My truck lacked the requisite torque; wheels just spun.

And with all of this as a backdrop–three months spent being pretty much the opposite of a productive member of society–in this context, does a Cum Omelet really seem that farfetched?

Not that I blame my younger self or anything. Hey, it’s easy to be seduced by the Magic Feeling, to get sucked into vandalism and skateboarding and radical interpretations of traditional French cuisine,cuisine when your only real responsibility is:

* * *

Watering the plants.

Yes. That summer, most afternoons around 6 or 7, my parents would arm me with a hose and turn me loose on the three-acre property. This, my friends, was how I earned my keep.

“And make sure you get every potted flower hanging near the front door,” my dad warned before my circuit that afternoon, the afternoon of the Cum Omelet. “Been checking those potted plants; been a little bit dry.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And the grapes.” He stuck a finger in my chest. “Let’s don’t forget about them grapes.”

I was maybe halfway through my daily circuit–perhaps even watering the grapes–when I heard it: a feminine laugh coming from Tor Tarantula’s property,property through the trees…

My eyes widened. I perked up.

Girl? In these parts?

Out in rural Orangevale, the presence of a pre-menopausal female is a rare event indeed. One that generally necessitates an investigation of some sort.

I dropped the hose, cut a zigzag path toward Tor’s property.

(Getting there, to Tor’s, means crossing this little meadow, then making your way through a vegetable garden. There aren’t really any of those big, wooden, suburb-style backyard fences out there. No need. Houses are so far apart that privacy is a non-issue; the only point of having one, a fence, would be to like contain cattle or horses. Tor has a dog, but it’s a cross-eyed, legally retarded beagle that just sits there tethered to a tree all day, looking at the sky.)

After tracking the voices and laughter through the vegetable garden and into Tor’s backyard, I spied what was a real standard scene at his house: a cluster of people sitting at his picnic table, smoking weed.

Getting closer, I was able to get a positive ID on Tor Tarantula. Bladewing the Risen, too, and also Neb, the drummer in Tor’s reggae band. But the other body at the table was still just a head of long brown hair, facing away…away.

“Uh, hey guys,” announcing myself, eyes fixed on the long hair. “What’s…going on?”

Bladewing spun around, squinted. “Ay! Danny! Get over here!”

Tor, upon seeing me, made a strange noise: one that functioned as both a greeting and also perhaps a tip off that he’d already enjoyed himself a few drinks. Then he yelled, “Just what the fuck have you been doing?”

“Oh, you know, just–”

“Want some of this?” Bladewing, pointing at a pipe.

“Uh, maybe in a little bit? I’m–”

“Come sit down, you bastard,” said Tor.

“Well, Ok. Yeah.”

Now some 15ish feet out from the table, I saw that, first of all, Tor did indeed have a little flock of empty bottles before him. But more important, I was able to catch a glimpse of this mystery girl’s profile.

(!)

And the feeling it inspired in me?

It wasn’t lust. It wasn’t disgust, either. It wasn’t even something in between.

No, ladies and gentleman. It was pleading.

–Please, Jesus. Don’t let this fucking girl be as attractive as she presently appears to be.

Adorable little nose and cheekbones. Stupendous-looking tits.

Which, I’m not sure what I was hoping for when I dropped that hose and crossed the meadow…but it certainly wasn’t this.

Why not?

Because there is no surer way to ruin an afternoon than having a bona fide hot girl in your midst.

‘Cause now, instead of kicking back, having a beer or two, smoking a little weed, and trading some lewd comments with your buddies, it’s, like, all hands on deck.

Now you have to be Cool. You have to jockey for position with the other bastards. Have to send out to the tip of your tongue an old bookish lady with glasses (for grammar and intellect), a dude with a leather jacket and sunglasses (for wit and Coolness) and some cargo short-wearing bull dyke with a flattop (to keep you from saying anything sexist or offensive) and have them filter every fucking syllable that escapes your jaw.

And even if you fancy yourself a real Casanova…even if you snag this broad’s number…well, even that’s equal parts blessing and curse.

Why?

Because now–fuck everything else going on in your life. You gotta clear your schedule. You gotta deploy all units–land, air, and sea–in the name of pollinating her.

Which means ironing shirts. Cleaning out your car. Maybe getting a haircut. Having to spend a bunch of time thinking about, like, where am I going to take this fucking chick?

Which is why I get the pleading feeling almost every time I spot a Potential Hot Girl. In Starbucks, when I’m trying to get some serious work done. At the grocery store, when I’m just trying to pick up a few basic provisions without my mind & dick telling me I’m a real puss for not going and trying to put the moves on the minx over in produce. Here again in Tor’s backyard:

Please, God. Let this all be an illusion. Let those bullet-deflecting cheekbones be lizardish when I get up close. Let those artillery shell tits be matched by a real bag-of-lard stomach when she stands up from the picnic table. Let me just go about my day. Live out the rest of the afternoon without a gang of Darwinian urges swinging in out of the trees:trees – knives between their teeth, ambush on their minds. Can’t this girl just be Ok? You know–worth pollinating, but not worth, like, freaking out about pollinating?

But as I took a seat on Tor and Neb’s side of the table, directly across from the girl…

Yep. I was fucked.

“Danny, this is Emaline,” said Bladewing the Risen, his tone neutral, cool. “Emaline this is Danny.”

“Hi,” said Emaline, without looking at me.

“Uh hey.” I waved my hand jerkily.

"Can one of your you fuckers pass me the pipe?” she said. “Neb, it’s been sitting in front of you for five minutes now. I’ve been counting. How high are you? Come on.”

“Oh, shit, yeah,” said Neb, flustered, handing it over. “Uh, sorry.”

During the period of time that Emaline took her hit–big one, no cough, a pro–my gaze was fixed immovably on her body.

Nothing else existed. It didn’t matter that the scene out here was something out of a Faulkner novel. I didn’t appreciate the tire swing hanging from a nearby tree. I was only distantly aware that birds were chirping at things, that dragonflies were buzzing around aimlessly. If asked, I could have told you it was August, but it would have taken a while. The late afternoon sunrays were coming in slanty through the trees–warm, perfect–but I just didn’t care.

All I could think about was: tits.

BigTits. On a slim frame. Pretty face. Pale skin. Too young to drink,drink by the looks of it. And again: Big Tits.

I wanted to flip over the table, start beating my chest.

Where did this girl come from? Was she spoken for? Had–God forbid–Bladewing already pollinated her? Did his introducing her indicate that? He was sitting next to her…

“So, uh, what’s up, gang?” I said, dropping the ramp, deploying my rover, ready to probe the social landscape.

“Not much,” said Bladewing. “Just got back from camping this afternoon. Up in the Sierras.”

My eyes flickered between him and Emaline.Together? Shared tent?

“Nice,” I said.

“Yeah, man. Good trip.”

Tor perked up, backhand-tapped Bladewing twice on the shoulder: “Wait–”

Yes Tor?my attention swinging to him.

“–tell him about your morning. Your little wake-up routine.”

Wake-up routine?

“Oh yeah. It was fucking great, man,” Bladewing, looking back to me. “I woke up around six or seven–before everybody else–then I climbed up this ridge and–get this–just fuckinjerked offup there.”

Alarmed, my eyes swiveled to Emaline,Emaline to see how she was taking this information.

“Not even sitting down or anything, either,” Bladewing assured me. “Just straight up,”–he dismounted the picnic table here, gave us a full body demonstration–“straight up power stance, fucking jerking myself off on a mountain. Into the sunrise.”

I decided to play it safe. Be political. “Oh, uh…oh yeah? Sounds…neat.”

“Dude, it felt amazing.”

“You’re lucky nobody saw you,” Emaline told Bladewing. “You might have had to register as a sex offender or something.”

Have had?” Tor, drunken smile crawling up his face. “He already, uh, is.”

“Ha. But that’s the thing with like those sex-in-nature porn videos,” Emaline told us. “Are those even legal to shoot?”

My eyebrows went up. Porn? She watches porn?

“Maybe if you go, um, deep enough into the forest,” Tor offered sagely, before taking another hit.

“Hey, watch it on the exhale with that thing,” I said, looking across the meadow to my property. “My parents have been in and out of the back yard. Might be able to see us.”

“I get the sex-in-public videos,” Emaline went on, “because it’s obvious they close the supermarket or deli or the convenience store down first, and that the random people in there are just actors. But outside…like some girl getting pounded on the beach…”

What? Was I hearing this correctly? Was this girl, thishotgirl…was this stuff really leaving her mouth?

Bladewing shrugged. “At UCSB people fuck on the beach sometimes. It’s not a huge deal.”

University of California, Santa Barbara, he meant. Bladewing, the lucky son of a bitch, still had another year of college left to go.

“Maybe they’ll be some good beach-fucking in Santa Cruz too, huh?” he added, reaching around Emaline’s back, tugging playfully at her shoulder.

She smiled. His hand lingered. Oh no. What was this?

“What's, uh, what's in Santa Cruz?” I blurted at Emaline, trying to siphon some attention away from Bladewing.

After a pause, she replied in a monotone, again without looking at me. “I’m starting school at UC Santa Cruz next month.”

My fists clenched up. My eyes went out of focus.

Neb slid the pipe back to Tor. Tor looked down, shook his head, “Nah dude, that’s drugs,” he said before lifting it up and taking another hit.

Afterward Tor said, “Santa Cruz should be rad. I might come visit you, actually. Iwouldhave visited Danny and Bladewing at school, but that’s, uh, far.”

“Danny needs to quit being a bitch and come down to Santa Barbara this year,” Bladewing told the table. “I visited him in L.A. once–not nearly as cool.”

Tor looked to me. “You going to let him do that? Talk shit about your school?”

I waved my hand disinterestedly.I was no longer a part of this conversation.

I’m starting school at UC Santa Cruz next month–that’s where I had fallen off.

Emalinehere was on her way to a 4-year university.

A fucking4-year! Out of high school! And she’s from Sacramento!

Around Sacramento–and certainly around Orangevale–a girl with the brainpower necessary for that kind of operation is a rare breed indeed.

And oh boy. If there’s one thing I can’t resist in this life, it’s Kollege Kunt: any girl in, about to be in, or recently graduated from a respectable university.

Wholesomeness. Intelligence. Goals.

The type of girls who are reasonable enough to get abortions. Who avoid poor grammar in both writing and casual conversation. Who wouldn’t even dream of addressing their friends as “blood,” “nigga,” “homie,” or “fool.” The type of girls aware that Lucky Charms and a Marlboro does not constitute a nutritious breakfast. Who understand that a little exercise here and there is maybe not such a bad idea. Who don’t utter horrendous clichés like “Well, looks like heaven gained another angel” whenever when somebody dies. Who don’t list pit bulls as their favorite breed of dog. Who don’t have Bible verses, portraits of dead pets, or phrases like “This too shall pass” tattooed on their ribs…ribs.

Oh my dear god.Kollege Kunt.Right here in Orangevale. With this development,development I lost all control.

“Fuck you. My parents have been drinking Fat Tire forever,” Tor was telling somebody.

There was no longer any question: Ineededto win this girl over. There appeared to be something between her and Bladewing, yes–but that didn’t matter. If it came to it, I would leave his carcass maimed and eviscerated on a field of romantic battle.

What was my move, though? How could I assert myself as the alpha male of this group, the thought leader?

What could I contribute that Emaline would view as stimulating, witty, masculine? She had demonstrated a real interest in porn…

“Oh yeah, forgot to ask,” Tor, addressing me. “You want one? A beer?”

My eyes came back into focus. I looked up. “Speaking of weird porn, have you guys ever seen those Cum Omelet videos? You know, with the Chef and girl and stuff?”

Oh God. Oh Jesus. Whythat? Of all fucking things, why must I have said that?

Strange looks from the whole table. Nobody spoke. Emaline, I noted with horror, wasglaringat me. Neb, stoned to the point of being basically unreachable this entire time–evenheseemed alarmed.

“What’s a…Cum Omelet?” asked Bladewing.

“Yes,” Emaline, through narrowed eyes. “Explain.”

Looking around at them, blinking, I considered my options.

Changing the subject–that might work. Pointing out one of the turkeys in the neighboring field. Commenting on its feathers, its markings. Or, or maybe asking Tor and Neb about their current songwriting effort, their latest battle with the drum kit and electric guitar…

But no. Too late for that.

All eyes were fixed on me. Mouths just about hung open. Everybody, it seemed, wasveryeager to learn of the mysteries and idiosyncrasies of the Cum Omelet.

And after another moment or two, I sighed, gave in. “Ok, so…” and, knowing full well that it was likely the death of my chances with Emaline, I delivered a much more hesitant, jerky, watered-down version of the following speech.

The Cum Omelet Speech

Just from the name, I’m guessing you can infer more or less what a Cum Omelet entails. One girl, a bunch of guys, a frying pan…

From the two or three that I’ve watched, though, there is a certain, um,magicto these things–an attention to ceremony that warrants some elaboration here.

So yeah. To start, we usually fade in on a basement, where, right away, some broad in high heels goes prancing over to this little improvised kitchenette thing, and from there begins appraising the frying pan and stove.

This is our Starlet.

She’ll have her finger in her mouth, be suggestively rubbing the spatula, have her eyes googoo’ed out and all that, which, at least to me, represents a fairly heavy handed attempt by the director to convince us that this woman is here voluntarily. Convince us that mass cum consumption is one of her, like, passions. Which, come on. One look at the girl and you know her presence has less to do with “passion” and more to do with an eviction notice and/or a crippling addiction to pills. Not the prettiest pumpkins in the patch,patch these Cum Omelet girls.

Then, as the camera pans out, we see that the basement is full of what might just be the most ragged crew of men ever assembled under one roof. It’s the kind of pool you’d draw from if tasked with staffing a pirate ship in the year 1726.

30, 40, 50 dudes. Almost certainly volunteers. No unifying theme among them whatsoever.

You’ve got a couple young studs, sure, but then you’ve also got old balding dudes in the mix. Black guys. Fat guys. Guys with mullets. Guys who look like they pulled up in 18-wheelers. Guys who may or may not have spent the last few seasons trapping beaver in the Pacific Northwest. Some of these dudes even have nerve enough to show up in face paint, costumes. And though they’re still fully clothed and just standing around, everybody is smiling, giggling. Somehow,Somehow you justknowthese guys all met up in the parking lot before hand and tailgated this thing.

But whatever. By and by we cut to our starlet down on bended knee in the middle of the room,room holding a glass measuring cup beneath her chin.

Also, it appears that,during the cut, the men were instructed to produce their dicks and begin masturbating. I say this because, suddenly, out of nowhere, a man with a full-on erection appears on screen,screen and he goes ahead and ejaculates into the starlet’s mouth.

And what does our Starlet do with this ejaculate? Does she greedily swallow it down?

Oh no. Disciplined lass that she is, she spits it right back out into that measuring cup of hers, where it will soon pool with the seed of 30+ other men.

Yes. After our first brave ejaculator gets the ball rolling, things start to feel like the first few levels of a Super Mario game. Dudes come flying onto the screen, groan, and then go flying off. Putting up no resistance at all.

Soon, they’re coming in from both sides. Two lines have been organized. Things are moving remarkably smoothly, too. You get the impression some guy with an orange vest and clipboard is pushing his way through the mob, analyzing the jerkers’ facial expressions, and then arranging everybody based on what he perceives is their proximity to orgasm.

Ten-minute chunks start to fall off your laptop’s clock. You can’t take your eyes off the screen. The cum level in the measuring cup, you notice, is moving steadily north.

And here’s maybe the best thing about these videos: by the time about seven of these guys have come in and done their thing on the Starlet’s face, you begin to see this trend of…normal cock size.

The cocks are relatable. They look like yours or mine.

After spending unknowable years beating yourself silly to porn, along the way becoming so jaded that a thick 8-incher on screen no longer even makes you flinch…it’s hard to describe the wave of relief these Cum Omelet videos provide.

Normal penises, you’re starting to see, look less like cucumbers, bananas, and eggplants and more like a roll of quarters, a pack of Lifesavers.

After 15 or 20 guys make their contribution to the measuring cup, this becomes a fuckingreligious experience.Christ. You even seeblack guyswith cocks that your cock could go out and grab a beer with.

(This, by the way, is conclusive proof that these men are not professional porn performers. That–unlike our Starlet–these guys are here voluntarily, are likely very psyched about spending their Sunday in this fashion, and justfor sureshowed up three hours early and tailgated up a storm in the parking lot.)

So. After the seed of about 30 men has dribbled off the starlet’s face and into the measuring cup (the reason ~30 instead of all 40 or 50 is, you know a big chunk of these guys, either because of nerves or because of the lingering effects of the aforementioned tailgate, can’t even get themselveshard, much less ejaculate) after the seed of those ~30 enters the cup by way of the Starlet's face,the Chef enters the fray.

Oh yes. The Chef.

Sometimes he’ll call order by banging pots together. Other times he just wades out into the mayhem and snatches the measuring cup and takes it back to his little kitchenette. Either way, this guy means business.

Full chef’s attire. Always. White jacket, apron, gloves, big puffy hat. If he’sreallyfeeling the role, he’ll do a Simba/Pride Rock style presentation of the measuring cup to the whole room before dumping its contents into his frying pan.

Low heat–that seems to be the ideal setting at which to cook cum. It takes a while, yes, but the tape is fast-forwarded in order to make the process more watchable. Also, presumably under orders from the director again, the Starlet goes over and peers into the pan, making a big effort to look fascinated/turned on/hungry.

Then–dinner is served.

The Starlet dons a bib; she’s given a fork and knife.

The Chef scrapes out the “omelet” (which doesn’t look like the kind of omelet you’d get in any self-respecting French bistro, but in truth kindadoeslook like scrambled egg whites) onto a plate, and then thrusts it at our Starlet, who, for the 15th time today, is down on her knees on the concrete floor.

She eats it, all right. And the whole time she’s eating it, the Chef is standing behind her menacingly. With his arms crossed. As if there will be some serious repercussions if this entire dish isn’t finished, and if she doesn’t enjoy every stinking bite.

Which, she acts like she does–enjoy it. Smacking her lips and cooing and all that. But, between you and me, you don’t have to look very hard to see some real pain in her eyes the entire time.

* * *

(Again, the way I delivered this in real life was much more toned down. I even added little point-scoring modifiers for Emaline’s ears, e.g. the pill-addicted Starlet was always “the poor girl”; The Chef, anybody wearing face paint, and anybody who ejaculated into the Starlet’s eyes in a way that looked intentional became “a real disrespectful jerk.)jerk”).

Silence around the table after I finished. Facial expressions: tough to read.

Then: “That’s actually pretty funny,” said Emaline.

Funny?

Me: “Uh, I guess I agree. But, it’s also,” still measuring my words very carefully, “it’s also, you know, intense.”

“I mean, it’s notthatintense,” she said. “Girls have to swallow cum all the time.”

I blinked a few times.What the fuck…“Well, um, yeah. But it’s not, like,ceremonial, usually. You know. With some asshole dressed like a chef hanging around. And plus you don’t have to hold it in your mouth and act like you’re savoring every drop.”

Wha–was this really happening? Was I, Danny Mullen–if not the Dirtbag King, then at least among the land-owning nobility–was I really telling this girl that she should feel more disturbed by something I’d seen in porn?

“I’m actually curious what it would taste like, all cooked up,” Emaline said.

My eyes got really big.

My heart rate went from, like, afternoon-stroll-in-the-park levels to the level that would happen if you woke up at 3 am a.m. and there was fire. I glanced at the other guys at the table. I couldn’t be the only one thinking…

“So, like,” I said, “you would, like–just hypothetically, of course–maybe at some point in the future…would you maybe consider–”

“Consider eating cooked cum?” Emaline laughed. This wasamusingto her. “Yeah I’m pretty sure I would, actually. Just to say I did it.”

My heart rate now:now at whatever BPM happens after falling into the enclosure of something big and carnivorous at the zoo. “Well, uh, we have…four guys here,” I pointed out, my voice shaky.shaky, “Andand, and I’m fairly certain Tor’s parents own a stove.”

“They do,” said Tor, now alert, sober, seeing where this was going. “Stove’s inside.”

“Ok.” I nodded at him. “So the stove situation is under control. And probably also frying pans…”

Each individual second felt as if it had been laid out on an anvil–hammered flat, extended.

“So, like,” I gulped. Oh God. “Would you be down to…do a cum omelet? Now? With…with us?”

Emaline sized me up, thought things over. Country silence all around us. Birds were still chirping. The obligatory afternoon lawn mower was going off somewhere in the distance.

Comments (14)
user avatar
User #99738 - 23 May 20 04:32
jaegermasters was 1000 times better
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:01
Haha well I'm glad you liked it, man!
user avatar
DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:20
It happened, by the way. We did it, and that's told of later on in the book.
user avatar
User #34201599 - 2 Jun 20 15:25
Danny please facetime me, you promised :(
user avatar
User #24087709 - 26 May 20 08:20
This was fucking awesome
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:01
Thanks man!
user avatar
User #30526738 - 22 May 20 20:10
The new art is awesome
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:00
It's from 2016, but yeah, man, I love it!
user avatar
User #29930389 - 22 May 20 19:27
I can already hear the "Jesus Danny"
user avatar
User #34201599 - 26 May 20 19:42
You're the fucking modern day Shakespeare and you inspire the fuck out of me Danny Mullen.
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:01
Appreciate it, bro!
user avatar
User #17305109 - 28 Jun 20 01:09
Holy shit... Danny.... Bro... leading us all on a string... you paint a spectacular mental picture sir, seriously LOL’d at my terminal. link to the book? I gotta know the rest of this hilarious story... cheers
user avatar
User #31028085 - 22 May 20 23:19
This should be an entry in the next 'Best American Short Story' series, as well as mandatory reading for freshman at culinary institutes.
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 01:00
Agreed on both points!
Strike Update (Video clips up in a few hours)
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2020-05-22T19:02:38+00:00
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Strike Update (Video clips up in a few hours) 2020-05-22T19:02:38+00:00close

Just filling you all in on the situation. But good news: Going to post some of what we had done from the Oz video for you guys to watch on here!


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Comments (42)
user avatar
User #33041706 - 22 May 20 20:07
I thought Danny Mullen hated nature.
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:57
Don't tell leo about this!
user avatar
User #35152185 - 22 May 20 19:10
Bruh everytime I watch ur video I go buy fucking snacks and drinks and get high as shit and watch your funny ass videos, your videos are literally the best ever made I love you father
user avatar
DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:22
So psyched to hear that, man!
user avatar
User #35152185 - 22 May 20 19:22
Lmao can I kiss u?😳
user avatar
User #35152185 - 22 May 20 19:27
Also why don't u make something like a sub thing like this but like your own site so u can post shit also Vimeo doesn't give a fuck about shit u post on it
user avatar
User #23618120 - 22 May 20 19:15
Don't worry Danny, there is always a silver lining in the end brother. Plus watching you and your philosophy has gotten me back in the headspace of writing too👌🏽
user avatar
DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:22
Hell yes, man!
user avatar
User #24235317 - 22 May 20 19:03
Thanks for taking our feedback Danny!
user avatar
User #7637122 - 22 May 20 19:04
Fuck yeah. Looking forward to it. A video described as "pretty gnarly" is suspense building
user avatar
DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:11
It won't be in its complete form, keep in mind! And I'll be leaving the gnarly part out, unfortunately.
user avatar
User #7637122 - 22 May 20 19:12
DANNY NOOOOO. It'll be great, still, looking forward to it 🙏
user avatar
User #30478171 - 22 May 20 19:04
Danny Mullen freed the slaves and now we must free Danny Mullen!
user avatar
User #34612537 - 22 May 20 19:49
Start an onlyfans please
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:57
On the way
user avatar
User #35333733 - 22 May 20 19:09
Your hard work is not going unnoticed my friend.
user avatar
DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:10
Appreciate it!
user avatar
User #35904334 - 23 May 20 02:57
You got this Danny! We got this
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:59
Appreciate it, John!
user avatar
User #34629784 - 22 May 20 19:46
I can't believe youtube is restricting your artistic freedom
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:57
It'll be ok, man!
user avatar
User #27562547 - 22 May 20 22:29
upload the video here< host it somewhere else tho
user avatar
DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:57
They are pretty strict here unfortunately, as well
user avatar
User #29930389 - 22 May 20 19:16
Yo Danny could you post the video on patreon if it cant be posted on YouTube?
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:22
Patreon is actually more strict with that kind of shit, dude! But we're posting segments of it today
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User #29930389 - 22 May 20 19:24
Awesome man, can't wait
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User #28575385 - 22 May 20 19:07
Hope this shit gets straightened out for you buddy!
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:10
It's already looking better. One employee said they're going to give me a warning next time instead of another strike
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User #29463953 - 22 May 20 19:30
Things are getting too censored. You need your own site. You will profit due to your fans engagement and support and you can post whatever you want. Thanks for the update on things.
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User #35152185 - 22 May 20 19:32
Lmao that's is what I have just said u have read mind like YouTube limits Danny so much imagine the videos if he could post whatever he wanted lolll
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User #25236549 - 22 May 20 23:10
damn i was trying to find the new edward 40 hands and the video with that girl and her old man soulmate today and was wondering why they were gone
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DannyMullen - 27 May 20 00:59
Yeah, Aaron! That one was actually taken down for a copyright violation, but I disputed it and won so it'll be back soon
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User #35831953 - 22 May 20 19:27
We will still be here for you no matter what bro keep it up
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:30
Thanks Douglas!
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User #30478171 - 22 May 20 19:09
We are here for you, we all go through this kind of bullshit
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:10
Thanks bro!
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User #35333733 - 22 May 20 19:11
Also, my black friend John Jay wanted me to thank you for freeing him and his cousin Rico.
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:22
Hahah it was my pleasure!
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User #29463953 - 22 May 20 19:59
It bugs me that he busts his ass and makes videos we fucking love but sometimes we cant see and he doesn't show nudity or drugs... it was vomit. Now he has to be careful and kinda censor himself and that's not the channel we subscribed to. I'll stay positive though.
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 21:11
well it expires in 90 days, so it's not a huge huge deal
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User #33407511 - 22 May 20 19:06
Nothing like spending a friday watching some Mullen
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DannyMullen - 22 May 20 19:10
Ahhh yea!
 23-minutes of Woo-Ha/Rent Colletion/Jesus Extras
23-minutes of Woo-Ha/Rent Colletion/Jesus Extrasmore_vert
2020-05-18T22:07:39+00:00
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23-minutes of Woo-Ha/Rent Colletion/Jesus Extras 2020-05-18T22:07:39+00:00close

All the behind the scenes/bit development that went into this great video. Plus, several full bits that just didn't make the cut.


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YouTube

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Woo ha Patreon

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Comments (26)
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User #23281890 - 19 May 20 12:01
The 2500 dollar part was hilarious bursted out laughing, great 23 minutes!
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User #15450928 - 18 May 20 22:09
You’re the man, also check your YouTube I didn’t get a notification for the last video but it’s doing good views wise so might not be a big issue
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:30
Yeah bro, it got age resticted! Fucked up the views for sure.
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User #35853373 - 22 May 20 17:07
more long videos for patreon!
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User #7637122 - 18 May 20 22:08
Man, these are all so great. Awesome PKA the other day too
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:30
Thanks a lot, man!
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User #35125964 - 18 May 20 23:33
Knew this was gonna be gold after the first line! “We have the timing of Helen Keller drumming for zeppelin” 😂😂😂😂
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:40
I loved that joke, man! didn't know if it was strong enough for the main cut, though
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User #8343986 - 21 May 20 20:10
leo trying get some yellow
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User #4232409 - 19 May 20 16:02
Man Danny, I was having flashbacks to Sacha Baron Cohen when he did Borat walking into a United Pentecostal Church acting like he was speaking with other tongues. They were all about you there. I died laughing at this!
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User #33364281 - 20 May 20 04:56
You know you've ran out of shit to say to the pet store people when Leo just says he has the same fitbit as the securtiy guy hahaha
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User #29718239 - 19 May 20 05:45
As a Southern Baptist from Oklahoma you absolutely killed it
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User #38285929 - 8 Jul 20 15:31
These are the kind of videos I enjoy, I prefer these over the main channels videos. main channels videos feel a bit more scripted/polished. this is more raw.
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User #35454271 - 18 May 20 23:10
Dam some real golden Leo footage at the 12 minute mark
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:32
Little Ceasar's a piece of shit!
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User #33449388 - 20 May 20 23:48
Can we get the episode that got a strike on Patreon?
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User #35152185 - 21 May 20 15:33
Agreement
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User #35149707 - 19 May 20 20:38
All of this could have made it into the video
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User #34201599 - 19 May 20 13:37
bruh u still owe me a facetime :)
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User #34684477 - 20 May 20 11:19
Love this stuff man its so raw and hilarious. Has a special element unique to these cuts
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User #30478171 - 18 May 20 22:39
Danny Mullen has the cure for COVID
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:30
Yes sir!
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User #7224220 - 22 May 20 12:36
Danny free the covid slaves from isolations
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User #8343986 - 21 May 20 19:56
wuhan the bat
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User #35333733 - 18 May 20 22:54
I’m excited to watch this while slapping a rag doused with ether on my face
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DannyMullen - 19 May 20 02:30
Haha my favorite line
Wednesday Night Live 2020-05-14T00:30:25+00:00

https://youtu.be/pglBpxAWOBw


Let's do it!

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Comments (5)
user avatar
User #9425633 - 22 May 20 17:09
already happened, no Mullen showing but what do you expect with a day heads up. Went fully nude the entire time pissing off a few mexican families, handing out modelos, smoking out some girls by the rope swing, playing football with a homosexual lobster burnt local who gave my friend a PCP cigarette, and I got some nasty blisters from losing my shoes and having to hike out barefoot.
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User #35904334 - 23 May 20 03:44
Damn bro I want to witness debauchery like that
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User #9425633 - 24 May 20 08:40
I’d like to join the Mullen crew even if just for giving video ideas, tagging along for guest spots. Some of my ideas are: protest Scientology HQ with bullhorns, get vagrants from our park to explore sewer tunnels with robed ‘satanists’ waiting, changing the S on our mountain to an L with paper, Doing a grapes of wrath spoof where we sneak onto orange farms and fields and help pick fruit, team up with cop watchers and hurl erotic insults at police, ride bikes on Huntington Beach in cow costumes and spill milk everywhere, and huff air duster in Panda Express etc.
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User #9425633 - 16 May 20 23:57
Danny, I’m having a small birthday thing at Deep Creek Hot Springs. It’s a popular nudist area nestled in the Apple Valley hills with a crazy gatekeeper Mike. Gonna be enough alcohol and weed to incapacitate a small Indian tribe. This Sunday afternoon, the legend Danny Mullen can come fuck with a bunch of hippies and virgins.
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User #5863535 - 21 May 20 17:59
make it happen
The Tahoe Bachelor Party
The Tahoe Bachelor Partymore_vert
2020-05-13T17:16:55+00:00
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The Tahoe Bachelor Party 2020-05-13T17:16:55+00:00close

From the 15th girl I had sex with story! The top picture was taken minutes after I showed up. Taking a shot with featherweight great Chad Mendes, UFC hall of Famer Urijah Faber, and BJJ coach Dustin Akbari (notice the dudes grappling in the background). The bottom picture was taken after I got a ride back from Reno/the strip club


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Comments (11)
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User #29778753 - 14 May 20 13:40
Did urijah diddle you after?
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User #25795068 - 14 May 20 05:07
Are you still friends with Uriah? Just curious if you guys keep in touch at all.
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User #30478171 - 13 May 20 18:19
these are insane
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User #24667962 - 13 May 20 17:53
Is that chad mendes? I know it’s Urijah Faber but if that’s both of them that’s fucking nuts
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User #7138030 - 13 May 20 17:22
Can’t wait for the live !
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User #13100948 - 13 May 20 17:24
I was very happy to hear you mention Doug Stanhope on the latest podcast episode. I always wondered if you liked his comedy and I don’t think I even heard you mention his name before that.
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User #35333733 - 13 May 20 17:26
These look like behind the scenes photos from something probably called ‘10 Studs Decimate 1 Twink’ You are now on a 2 year probationary period Danny.
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User #3819857 - 13 May 20 17:18
When do you plan on doing the next live?
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User #29930389 - 13 May 20 17:18
Tonight at 5:30 Pacific standard time
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User #27386790 - 14 May 20 11:36
Realized I had been declined so had to re up with the $25 this time 😤
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DannyMullen - 14 May 20 19:21
Fuck, sorry about that, man! But thanks so much and welcome back!
Girls I had Sex With #13, #14, and #15
Girls I had Sex With #13, #14, and #15more_vert
2020-05-13T02:56:44+00:00
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Girls I had Sex With #13, #14, and #15 2020-05-13T02:56:44+00:00close

This one's a good one! Re-recorded due to the shitty quality of me doing it live. Learn about Grapefruit Pussy and Cantaloupe Tits!


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YouTube

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13 14 and 15

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Comments (15)
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User #33434825 - 14 May 20 03:10
fucking hilarious
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User #35149707 - 13 May 20 14:59
These stories are worth my £5 a month alone
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User #5863535 - 13 May 20 05:54
Does Mia support your comedy? Like this doesn’t offend her? Hahaha
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User #35229639 - 13 May 20 04:03
Danny the hair is looking better than ever
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User #35333733 - 13 May 20 02:57
I didn’t know you worked in produce, you fucking migrant.
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User #7637122 - 13 May 20 03:01
Danny has lived the most authentic Californian life. From farming to comedy.
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User #35333733 - 13 May 20 03:02
I feel like I am reading a fucking Steinbeck novel
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DannyMullen - 13 May 20 03:03
Hahah Nice, Casper
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User #30478171 - 13 May 20 11:06
danny mullen sodemizes fruit in his free time
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User #30478171 - 13 May 20 16:46
the fat girl was cockblocking? Shocking!!
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User #25263284 - 13 May 20 02:57
I wanna pour sugar on some grapefruit pussy
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DannyMullen - 13 May 20 03:03
Great Bj, I'll tell you what
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User #25386201 - 13 May 20 08:50
It should be obligatory for every young man to live with a bunch of pussy-chasing pro athletes for at least one year. Great fucking stories, man!
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User #7138030 - 13 May 20 02:57
Can’t wait ! Love ya Danny
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DannyMullen - 13 May 20 03:03
Hell yeah! This is a good one.
Tonight 2020-05-12T22:35:34+00:00

Hey, guys! Going to stick to just a Girls I Had Sex with tonight, and push the live back to tomorrow at 5:30. Sorry about this. We had technical troubles with the podcast, which I'm uploading now, and those set me back with time.

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Comments (10)
user avatar
User #33845505 - 13 May 20 02:39
UFC and Papa Mullen in one night.
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User #7637122 - 12 May 20 22:37
See ya tomorrow, then,- Lockdown boredom is worse than the virus- we need all the live streams we can get!
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User #7138030 - 12 May 20 23:24
Can’t wait Danny !
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User #26013597 - 12 May 20 22:40
Danny Mullen two nights in a row is better than having it all jam packed in one night! Thanks dude!
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User #25263284 - 12 May 20 22:36
Thanks Danny! Excited for the girls video
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User #33407254 - 12 May 20 22:41
No worries dad
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User #19553064 - 14 May 20 02:01
is worst town in america still dropping tm as well?
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User #35332624 - 13 May 20 02:13
What did I get myself into.
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User #35078785 - 13 May 20 02:22
Do a crew podcast soon Love seeing all the boys together !!
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User #30934729 - 12 May 20 22:36
Can't wait bro!
Tomorrow! 2020-05-11T20:08:13+00:00

Hey, everyone! Plans for tomorrow: A Girls I Had Sex With re-record for the episode that I did live (was really laggy; a lot of good stuff got cut out) and a live at 5:45 pm California time. I encourage you to all join if you can! I usually get a chance to talk to everyone, and answer every single question that is asked.


I'm trying to choose a day to go live early for those of you in different time zones, and I'll be sure to announce that when it comes!


Also on the horizon: a ton of extras from each segment of the Bat video. Plus, we shot a Worst Town in America this weekend, and I think there will be a half hour of extras from that.

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Comments (12)
user avatar
User #29778753 - 11 May 20 20:45
When are you gonna reupload the sandrine video?
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DannyMullen - 12 May 20 14:49
I have a lawyer on it right now! Trying to get it back up as opposed to reupload
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User #34536517 - 11 May 20 22:40
Best money ever spent
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DannyMullen - 12 May 20 14:49
Thanks so much!
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User #5863535 - 11 May 20 20:08
Can we get a Mia / Danny QNA
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User #23281890 - 11 May 20 20:12
That would be great
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DannyMullen - 12 May 20 14:49
I'm sure she's down, dude. Do you think live would be best, or asking pre asked questions?
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User #5863535 - 12 May 20 15:17
pre recorded
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User #25386201 - 11 May 20 20:29
Danny, you content machine
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DannyMullen - 12 May 20 14:49
Thanks for the support, bro!
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User #7637122 - 11 May 20 20:09
That is dope. I'll see ya in the stream tomorrow!
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DannyMullen - 12 May 20 14:49
Fuck yeah
Edward 40 Hands During Coronavirus Extras!
Edward 40 Hands During Coronavirus Extras!more_vert
2020-05-09T19:05:50+00:00
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Edward 40 Hands During Coronavirus Extras! 2020-05-09T19:05:50+00:00close

Another 12-minutes of chaos...


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YouTube

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Corona Edward Extras

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Comments (29)
user avatar
User #34691490 - 10 May 20 08:34
did she not consent to having her tits out
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User #8343986 - 10 May 20 12:27
so punk rock
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User #7637122 - 9 May 20 19:28
LOL babe ruthin' it with the "one of these strippers wont like me later" Great video extras
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:36
Thanks man! And I just knew it!
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User #35078785 - 9 May 20 19:27
Loved this one !!
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:36
Thanks dude!
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User #3819857 - 9 May 20 20:30
I just became a patron 2 days ago and it was 100% worth it. Supporting you and getting this funny ass content.
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User #19553064 - 10 May 20 01:20
hahahaha im so glad you put the footage of u n brooks tossing the poles off the building LOL
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User #34201599 - 9 May 20 19:49
National
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User #34678517 - 9 May 20 19:07
This video was golden from start to finish
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:08
Thanks jacob!
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 20:07
Does getting beat up make you not a pussy? I'm confused. And they weren't thugs. They were skinny emo kids.
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User #28684249 - 10 May 20 07:33
Danny have u had a chance to replace those sick sunglasses that u ruined at the end of the main shoot ??
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User #34587441 - 9 May 20 20:10
maybe just my bad english. and was that loud bang at the end a firecracker?
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User #18063286 - 10 May 20 15:26
The Edward fortyhands videos are always golden
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User #7138030 - 9 May 20 22:14
Awesome video Danny! <3
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User #30478171 - 9 May 20 21:59
I love this bullshit
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User #23281890 - 9 May 20 19:29
Always a great move to piss someone off mispronounce their name. Btw what a whore.
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:36
Haha oh jesus
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User #32945379 - 10 May 20 12:51
This is art
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User #34617121 - 9 May 20 19:06
Yessir
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User #34587441 - 9 May 20 19:58
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User #34201599 - 9 May 20 19:49
Treasure
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User #34456661 - 9 May 20 19:56
Good to hear that you respect women.
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 20:06
It was a big confession there.
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User #28523417 - 11 May 20 05:52
That London chick is straight dumb
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User #34618802 - 9 May 20 19:15
Good to know you still bring up bestiality when you drunk.
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:36
It's a part of my dna
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User #28575385 - 9 May 20 20:04
it all stems from that poor pup that just wanted some peanut butter
LIVE! (Is this working?) 2020-05-06T00:28:28+00:00

https://youtu.be/XA7Q5lKrvdE

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Comments (6)
user avatar
User #14607965 - 8 May 20 18:46
WOO-HAAAA! THE FUCKIN' BAT!!!! He'll turn you into a flemmy corpse and FUCK YOU UP THE ASS!
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:08
Yes he will!
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User #33535241 - 8 May 20 08:05
Wu-Haa the fucking bat!!! Is banger release the song
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DannyMullen - 9 May 20 19:08
Hell yes!
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User #30513101 - 8 May 20 03:40
Just watched the new video😂😂it’s a classic
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User #33351472 - 6 May 20 00:29
ya mines working
12 Hour Shoot and More Tomorrow!
12 Hour Shoot and More Tomorrow!more_vert
2020-05-02T03:16:16+00:00
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12 Hour Shoot and More Tomorrow! 2020-05-02T03:16:16+00:00close

Hey, everyone! Sorry about only posting one video this week. Have been writing my ass off for this week's video, and then for next week's Worst Town in America. This week, I'm going to be selling Bat Soup, complete with a fake ad suggesting the soup is just loaded with Coronavirus. Additionally, Leo and I collected past-due rents from out-of-work people. Doesn't make no difference to us if you're not working. We need our fucking money.


Anyway. How about a live next Tuesday at 5:30, California time?

Comments (19)
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User #29545316 - 2 May 20 04:10
Was very late to get on the Dany Mullen non sexual train, I apologize. But since then you've been the funniest guy i've watched on youtube. A Live then sounds great.
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User #23618120 - 2 May 20 03:58
Today is my birthday danny and I'm about 4 modelos in as I'm writing this👍🏻Keep on rocking in the free world dude.
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 04:06
Happy Birthday, bro!
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User #4232409 - 7 May 20 23:43
4 beers deep here we go
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User #30478171 - 2 May 20 18:54
sounds juicy
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User #8343986 - 2 May 20 13:04
instressting
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User #33364281 - 2 May 20 23:40
See you on Tuesday!
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User #34201599 - 2 May 20 04:04
you and leo look so fucking dapper btw it hurts to look at
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 04:06
Thanks bro
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User #34201599 - 2 May 20 06:48
Pimps in every sense of the word
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User #34618802 - 2 May 20 03:47
Right outside of LAX love it 😂
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User #28575385 - 2 May 20 16:00
Great ideas to go along with the theme of coronavirus
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User #25236549 - 2 May 20 03:24
Brother the quality of content you have been posting is immense thank you for everything you do you have nothing to be sorry for
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 04:05
Really appreciate that, Aaron! Some real good writing here, especially the bat bit, so hopefully that will continue/
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User #28588601 - 2 May 20 21:53
Danny you need a nerdy lookin wigger character! That being me :)
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User #19553064 - 2 May 20 23:23
i needed another my giovanni bit, ahah cant wait
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User #5863535 - 10 May 20 04:44
funniest video ever!!
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User #30088029 - 2 May 20 03:17
Return of Mr. Giovanni!?
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 04:05
Yes sir!
The City With No Laws During Coronavirus *22-minutes of Extras*
The City With No Laws During Coronavirus *22-minutes of Extras*more_vert
2020-04-30T03:00:41+00:00
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The City With No Laws During Coronavirus *22-minutes of Extras* 2020-04-30T03:00:41+00:00close

Hey, everyone! Sorry I'm late posting. This has been an insane week as far as workload. This is really long and really rough, but I thought it might be cool to leave it that way. You'll see here the many failed attempts to get some comedy brewing, and the bits that end up never happening/making the main cut.


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Slab City 2 Patreon

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Comments (22)
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User #25236549 - 30 Apr 20 06:46
wow the magnificent danny mullen blessed us with 22 fuckin minutes of extra content wow it is a blessed day
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:35
Glad you're hyped, man!
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User #7637122 - 30 Apr 20 03:24
Now the patreon just needs to get big enough for ya to go get a cast member from the slabs and just adopt them for a UCLA shoot lel
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:35
Hahah they would rape somebody. But I want to fuck with UCLA for sure.
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User #30709211 - 30 Apr 20 06:28
This is the best bday present
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:35
Happy birthday!
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User #28684249 - 30 Apr 20 15:13
“Rape is not violent , rape is love” Fan Jerry-2020
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:34
He's a hero
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User #32409946 - 30 Apr 20 19:16
Fuck yeah!
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User #8343986 - 2 May 20 13:05
moutian girl make up shit iggy didnt want cock on patron fuck corona
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User #29174347 - 30 Apr 20 03:01
Let’s GOOO
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User #14607965 - 30 Apr 20 19:31
Will there be another Live Stream on Friday Danny?
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:34
Hey Tom, sorry, man, been filming for 12 hours today, and have more to film tomorrow! This week was pretty heavy workwise and I wasn't able to get one going.
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User #30478171 - 30 Apr 20 12:10
what a time to be aliv
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User #28575385 - 30 Apr 20 22:56
Even the bullshit between main channel shots is entertaining, to be honest
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:33
Appreciate the feedback, dude!
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User #8343986 - 2 May 20 13:18
danny mullen free the slaves
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User #37122970 - 13 Jun 20 04:51
What is RDR in jail for? I thought he went to rehab lmao
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User #36747999 - 13 Jun 20 06:41
Assault against pam
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User #30478171 - 30 Apr 20 12:40
who else is tremendously disappointed he censored his naked self.
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User #33364281 - 1 May 20 05:36
I share the same sentiment. When is Danny Mullen dropping a nice 4k cock pic for his patrons?
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DannyMullen - 2 May 20 02:35
I'm too embarrassed by my form
Friday Night Live 2020-04-25T02:36:20+00:00

https://youtu.be/Uf05N_9niic

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Comments (9)
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User #32242343 - 25 Apr 20 17:54
Yes I agree with Joao I didn't have time to join
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User #31568655 - 26 Apr 20 09:32
I watched the podcast the next day relaxing in the sun. PLEASE DO MORE LIKE THIS! You also looked quite surprised with all/how much people was donating so hopefully this will be a motivator to do more podcasts/livestreams(unedited/RAW)
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User #32409946 - 25 Apr 20 03:28
Great stream
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:36
Thanks bro!
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User #30478171 - 25 Apr 20 16:46
I missed it as I went to bed. Danny Mullen give us a fucking heads up and I will stay awake you albino hating swine!
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User #34141909 - 25 Apr 20 02:43
Are you always this punctual tho?
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User #30579553 - 25 Apr 20 06:17
Yes, he is.
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:36
I blew it!
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User #30026925 - 25 Apr 20 21:38
Danny I was watching the live video just now on yt cause I missed it last night and idk what this matters but in the middle of it I got a call telling me a close family friend died last night and again it probably don’t matter but I’m glad I was in a good mood before hearing the news and the good mood was because you’re great at what you do. Thanks for always pumping out content and caring about your fans. Be safe Danny
Sorry about the quick live! 2020-04-23T23:48:17+00:00

Wish I could have done that more thoroughly and I apologize. Let's do it for longer tomorrow at 5?

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Comments (22)
user avatar
User #33364281 - 24 Apr 20 05:00
Tomorrow was going to be dedicated to finding the breastfeeding tutorial with the most disrobed mother that the youtube platform will allow, but I guess plans have changed.
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User #21937793 - 23 Apr 20 23:51
Amazing man. 5 sounds good tomorrow
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User #25793329 - 23 Apr 20 23:49
Sounds good. Keep up the good work from New Zealand
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User #24324460 - 24 Apr 20 04:45
I’m in Australia. Date and time PST? Cheers
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:36
Hey, bro, I completely blew it and got one 3 hours late, but next week I'll schedule it and adhere to it!
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User #33910732 - 23 Apr 20 23:49
Whenever you get time man🙌🏼 love your content
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User #23281890 - 24 Apr 20 15:41
Hey danny, could you unlist the main channel livestream and put the link here? Only got to see half of it.
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:35
It's back up, dude!
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User #29778753 - 23 Apr 20 23:51
Better not fuck up again or you will get your cock sucked. You hear me?
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User #29202600 - 23 Apr 20 23:49
Never apologize for making content
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User #21937793 - 23 Apr 20 23:51
8est
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User #33410180 - 23 Apr 20 23:49
Where’s the live you’re preparing for gonna be on?
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User #33364281 - 24 Apr 20 04:51
www.youtube.com - A popular video sharing website founded in 2005.
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User #21937793 - 25 Apr 20 00:05
No live?
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User #29100275 - 24 Apr 20 03:34
good looks daniel
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User #32378539 - 24 Apr 20 01:48
Fag
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:35
Hey guys, sorry. I'm a retard and forgot I specified "5 pm". My fault
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User #30478171 - 25 Apr 20 00:44
the only excuse for this inconvenience is if you are raping young Sudanese albinos
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User #28575385 - 24 Apr 20 14:13
What happened to the post live video on YouTube, I missed it. Halfway through the video just went private
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:35
Back up!
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User #14607965 - 24 Apr 20 15:21
What happened to the vid?
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:35
Back!
Quick Live! Come hang out 2020-04-23T23:07:28+00:00

https://youtu.be/-cwtdKNMkDM

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Comments (2)
user avatar
User #33411528 - 23 Apr 20 23:15
Same over here
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User #26038143 - 23 Apr 20 23:37
Nice man
A Story Fragment from 6 Years Ago
A Story Fragment from 6 Years Agomore_vert
2020-04-23T00:43:24+00:00
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A Story Fragment from 6 Years Ago 2020-04-23T00:43:24+00:00close

The following passage is from an autobiographical, non-fictional novella thing I was working on from May 2014 - November 2014. The story was based on a single Memorial Day Weekend trip, took months to write, and, after I put it away for a little while, then re-read it, I realized it totally sucked. This passage is interesting, though. It shows some of the more experimental tendencies I had, which you can see being realized in a more productive way now in videos like Yelling Rape in Target. The picture above was taken by a naked chick. Me, my buddy Tim, College Boy, and three girls were all in this bathroom, getting drunk and hooking up. Seeing College Boy's giant cock is what set off this passage/digression in the short story.


--------------------------



Maybe a better question is: where does cock even size come from? Is it your dad’s side of the family? your mom’s? Is it a 50/50 mix? Does it skip generations? multiple generations? Is it totally random?

This is a pretty interesting question, since communication on the subject between family members is basically non-existent. It’s not like your typical dad comes home from happy hour one evening saying, “Ah! Good times!”

(stumbles over and flops onto the couch)

“What are you doing over here son? Video games? Xbox!?! Neat!”

(goes to the refrigerator and grabs himself a beer; comes back)

“By the way, son…what’s that dick of yours looking like these days?”

(waits for a response–doesn’t get one; hesitates; continues)

“Mine’s always been on the…well, bulkier side. But I’m curious what genes your mother–and specifically her cunt of a father–brought to the party. Never liked that fucker. I’ll bet he ruined you. A total pencil dick, that one–I could see it in his eyes.”

Five minutes later, the horrified son has yet to say a word. The only visible indicator of his deep disturbance is the performance of his character in the video game, who, since all the dick talk, has been handled most erratically, and has died almost constantly. In truth, the son’s mind is miles from the game, but he keeps at it just for something to do.

The father fails to pick up on this. “Soo,” he says, “maybe we can pull ‘em out? You know–compare sizes?”

But no. In real life, this just doesn’t happen. And as a result, the family tree, as far as dick sizes go, is always blank (unlike, say, tits–the source of which in girls isn’t hard to locate). Whatever dick you’ve got, it’s been mysteriously tumbling down to you for countless generations: snowballing in size, reverse snowballing, holding constant, flickering all over the place–who fucking knows. And the result is unalterable, yours to deal with–be it asset or a liability.

I’ve always used this–The Great Cock Mystery–to my advantage. With just a bit of historical knowledge (and maybe a sprinkle of story telling chops), I find I can reliably shift the blame away from me and my very mediocre cock, and instead pile it all onto my ancestors.

When do I do this? In any number of scenarios, really. Upon entering some poor girl for the first time and finding I barely fill her up; when I drink too much at a party and pull out my limp dick, triggering a barrage of ridicule from the other men.

But in these cases, I never panic. Instead, I just take a deep breath, put my penis away, and then pull she/he/they aside. I tell ‘em to make themselves comfortable, to put up their feet, to light a fresh cig. I offer to grab ‘em another cocktail or beer, “Because,” I say, “it’s about time I told you the story of my great, great, great, great, great grandfather, Ludwig von Mullen.” Then I dim the lights.

The Legend of Ludwig Von Mullen

For centuries, I had a real monster cock coming down the pipe.

It’s true. And it was all thanks to my great, great, great, great, great grandfather, Ludwig von Mullen.

Ludwig had a vision. A vision to bestow upon his male descendants–thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of sunsets into the future–cocks of absolutely legendary girth and might. His own children, Ludwig realized, would likely have the sheer rotten luck of being born too soon–maybe even their children as well–but in a hundred years or so, he mused, while in the heaven or simply drifting through the universe as energy, Ludwig could claim to have given rise to a Cock Empire…a Penile Royal Line…maybe even the planet’s singular King of Kock.

But Ludwig had a problem: his penis was only of regular size. And therefore he knew that delivering on his vision would require a multi-generational string of strategic marriages.

Very strategic marriages.

More specifically, the von Mullen men would need to find wives whose fathers’ cocks were something out of mythology: cocks that could influence weather patterns when twirled, that could dredge hillsides when used to pee, that could take lives if and when they were employed as clubs.

Of course, to get the Cock Snowball rolling, Ludwig himself would need to find a woman with a father with a cock meeting the above description. Not a simple task by any means. And in the early days of his quest, Ludwig would wear out many a pair of boots trudging through the streets of his native Salzburg–eavesdropping, gossiping, chasing rumors. All in all hunting the Ideal Cock.

You heard me correctly: hunting the cock. For Ludwig realized, quite ingeniously, that the proper way to find a wife was to spend all of his time and energy seeking out humongous penises.

He worked backwards. If you find the penis, Ludwig reasoned, then you’ve found the man. And once you’ve found the man, you beg Christ that that man has a daughter. And while you’re at it, you also beg Christ that all the nonsensical complications like “attraction” and “compatibly” and “family blessing” hold together well enough to result in marriage.

Attraction and compatibility were of no real concern to Ludwig. Family blessing, on the other hand–a pesky pre-requisite to marriage and reproduction in 18th century Austria–terrified him. His ties to Raitenau-era nobility had long since faded, and his tendency to drive conversations at masked balls and dinner parties straight to the topic of penis size had resulted in his blacklisting by the contemporary elites. Yes–a potential marriage might very well be dashed at the whim of social convention, even if the woman’s father possessed the Ideal Cock.

For a brief spell, Ludwig was driven to drinking by all this. Some say he contemplated abandoning the quest all together. But it was during this period of darkness, while having a brew at his favorite local haunt, that Ludwig was stuck by the glorious epiphany he so desperately needed. The solution to the marriage problem, he suddenly understood, lay before his very eyes. The key was to conduct his search not in high places, but low.

The Iron Cunt was the most miserable pub in all of Salzburg. Here the drunkest and most despicable of the city’s residents came before passing out in gutters and rolling with pigs in hay. Here the entertainment was limited to a single, drunken violinist:a man who played over and over again the melody modern ears would recognize as “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

And here Ludwig would sit. Sit for hours. Sit at his corner table, visible only by the dim flicker of a candle–hardly drinking, but always watching: watching men’s gaits to see if accommodation was given to an overgrown serpent between the legs; eyeing trousers for any signs of conspicuous bulge.

It was around midnight that Ludwig did his best scouting. At this time, there was seldom a soul in the Iron Cunt will less that 10 pints of ale floating around in his stomach. Consequently, there were seldom less than 10 men standing shoulder-to-shoulder out back: pants down, cocks out, watering the dirt.

Good ol’ Ludwig!

Ludwig would slip into these urine lines, and blend flawlessly with the drunken riffraff. He too would produce his cock; he too would stager and slur; once or twice, he even coaxed the whole line into song, eliciting two refrains of a popular folk tune before words were forgotten and all order was lost.

But while the real drunks were shouting and laughing and carrying on, Ludwig was working.

Carefully, and out of the corner of his eye, he scrutinized every single piece of sexual equipment in the line, and then downloaded this equipment into that cock database he called his brain.

And when closing time finally came…

Ludwig would take the half-kilometer distance separating his home from the Iron Cunt at a flat sprint, cheering and punching a fist into the air as he went. Then, breathless, home, he’d bound through the door and make for his study, for this was where the real work began.

Until dawn Ludwig sat drawing pictures of the various cocks he had seen that night. Sometimes sculpting them out of clay. Often, he’d make vendiagrams labeled “length” and “girth,” to get a better handle on which asset mattered more. Perhaps his favorite project was the 50/50 composite sketch: his own penis spliced with the biggest penis he spotted on any given night–a hypothetical model of what his hypothetical son may hypothetically be packing.

One evening at the Iron Cunt, however, scientific and artistic understanding of the male genitalia was rendered superflous.

A giant of a man, almost certainly a peasant from the nearby hillside, ducked–literally ducked–through the 7-foot doorway of the Cunt, calling for drink.

“Oy, Troll!” called one of the bar’s drunker patrons. “Why don’ ya have a drink of this an’ fuck off?” According to the legend, this suggestion was accompanied by a crude grabbing of the crotch.

The giant studied the man, and then, very casually, went about the motions of knocking him to the floor and beating him motionless with a stool.

To this day, scholars debate whether the drunk was killed instantly or if death took him that night in his sleep. But either way–everybody in the Iron Cunt kept their distance from the giant for the remainder of the night.

Everybody except for Ludwig, that is.

Ludwig followed the giant everywhere: to the bar for more drink, to the street for a smoke, and, of course, out back to have a piss. And it was there that he spotted what could only be considered a penis in the legal sense. His notes from the next day (shaky, almost illegible: clearly done up in a state of extreme titillation) draw comparison to an extinct species of Triassic slug, and emphasize several times that the thing seemed to possess an independent heartbeat. His sketches of the cock even include what some scholars insist are an underdeveloped set of gills and wings, suggesting remarkable geographic mobility.

Ludwig followed the giant all the way home. And what he saw upon peeking into the hut, after the giant was fast asleep, was transcendently beautiful. A sight that affirmed his quest, his hard work, and his entire life all at once.

“Gertrude,” Ludwig said to his new wife, a week later, in small rowboat out on the lake, “in the event that you outlive me, there is something you must know about our future children. About…the legacy they must inherit.”

Gertrude, the giant’s daughter, blinked stupidly. Not only was she 300-pounds, illiterate, and covered in warts at about the same ratio that Earth is covered in sea. She also struggled at speaking or comprehending sentences containing more than two multisyllabic words.

“Gertrude!” pleaded Ludwig, reaching out and clasping her hands. “You must understand me!”

Gertrude, by most estimations, failed to understand him. In fact, modern psychiatric analysis of her character presents a strong case for Down Syndrome. We can’t know anything for sure, though, for from here the trail of my great, great, great, great, great grandfather’s family history grows dark.

So is it all Gertrude’s fault? Her fault that, now in the year 2014, my cock is so goddamn unspectacular? Did Ludwig die young, leaving behind a wife who was, like, totally incapable of finishing what he started? Do I blame her for the sad reality that I fail the Girth Test with flying colors?

(The Girth Test: can you slip your erect cock into a cardboard toilet paper roll? If no: pass. If yes: fail.)

Actually, I tend not to be so simplistic in my finger pointing.

Knowing Ludwig, he wouldn’t have let something as trivial as a retarded wife interfere with his quest. He would have humped away at her day and night until she produced a son. He would have stayed healthy and vital during the tantalizing years of that son’s childhood, so that, the very hour the little bastard tugged out his first wet orgasm–oh, say, around age 11–Ludwig would’ve been ready to take to the streets in search of another big-cocked peasant with a daughter. Preferably a big-cocked peasant whose daughter was willing to have sex with an 11-year-old boy.

Yes. To me, the real problem seems obvious: one of my grandfathers polluted the family line.

I don’t know much about either of these guys, since both succeeded in dying before I was born. All I really know is that they fought in World War II, and allegedly received Bronze and Silver Stars, respectively. But this still fails to impress me. One of them, while he was invading Europe or chasing Rommel around Africa or shaking hands with Russians over a smoldering Berlin, must have been doing it with a tiny, tiny penis.

A fucking micro cock! What else could’ve neutralized the python-like menace that Ludwig sent down to me through the postal service of time and sex? I’m sure the puny thing made grandpa lighter and more mobile on the field of battle–but what about me!? Didn’t he know that, 60 years later, his grandson would be getting wasted and naked in the presence of coeds? Females! With assess and tits! Did it not occur to him that, in the 21st century, these coeds would gossip, and that maybe I would’ve enjoyed the curious downward glances cast by the ones in the know? would’ve enjoyed being assigned nicknames like “the Ripper” and “Bratwurst” or “Pot Roast”?

Comments (15)
user avatar
User #28575385 - 23 Apr 20 14:31
Now this is what I just signed up for.
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:37
Thanks for the feedback!
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User #33851175 - 24 Apr 20 06:26
Reminded me of Terry Pratchet. Great read, thank you.
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:37
You're weclome!
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User #31115265 - 23 Apr 20 01:02
A couple paragraphs in and I'm cracking up 😂
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:37
Fuck yeah!
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User #31127795 - 26 Apr 20 17:52
Speaking of penises what happened to the blowjob steak out story
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User #31115265 - 23 Apr 20 01:23
I now see it now.. the reason Danny constantly asks guys to pull their cocks out.. the reason Ratdick was kicked out of the crew.. To finish what Ludwick started!
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User #11663703 - 24 Apr 20 02:19
This is amazing. More pls
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:37
Sure!
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User #33555762 - 23 Apr 20 10:56
Haha this is great, wonder'd why my dad have a bigger dick then me. Finally got a hypothetical answer. Will you honor your son by breeding with a girl whose dad got a big dick?
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User #32512080 - 29 Apr 20 07:52
Much like one of William Faulkner’s early peices of literature . Great peice
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User #33434825 - 23 Apr 20 02:45
This is some of the funniest shit I've ever read.
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:37
Thanks Bailey!
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User #30942193 - 1 May 20 20:14
Danny how is this not a video yet?? This is hilarious
Me Being Blacked Out for 3-Minutes
Me Being Blacked Out for 3-Minutesmore_vert
2020-04-22T23:57:03+00:00
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Me Being Blacked Out for 3-Minutes 2020-04-22T23:57:03+00:00close

Another gem! Can't recall exactly when this is. I think I was home for Christmas from UCLA in 2012/2011.


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Comments (12)
user avatar
User #11614072 - 23 Apr 20 05:18
The peanut butter segment was fucking hillarious 😂🙌
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:38
I like it too
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User #25263284 - 22 Apr 20 23:57
Thank you so much for posting the girls I had sex with and this. This is what we need right now Danny. Thank you
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DannyMullen - 22 Apr 20 23:59
You're very welcome, man!
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User #8343986 - 2 May 20 13:26
silence drunk danny is scary
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User #29202600 - 22 Apr 20 23:59
I miss silent films like this
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User #23618120 - 23 Apr 20 00:07
Hey Danny! Next month will be my one year anniversary of discovering your channel and I can't express the joy you brought to me ever since. Keep on being you brother🤘🏼
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:38
Thanks so much, Jacob!
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User #26015505 - 26 Apr 20 08:01
Is that Charlie Chaplin?
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User #32951723 - 23 Apr 20 00:00
Send this to Cirque Du Soleil i guarantee you get the job
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User #30478171 - 23 Apr 20 00:52
we dont deserve this
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:38
Haha it's pretty sweet, I know
Apparently I fucked the last one up
Apparently I fucked the last one upmore_vert
2020-04-22T23:43:57+00:00
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Apparently I fucked the last one up 2020-04-22T23:43:57+00:00close

New Years 2009! Here it is! (Last GIHSW video will give you context)


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Comments (2)
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User #15202214 - 22 Apr 20 23:44
I’d let you fuck me (no homo)
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User #33910732 - 22 Apr 20 23:44
Beautiful
Girls I had Sex with 14, 15, and 16
Girls I had Sex with 14, 15, and 16more_vert
2020-04-22T23:22:44+00:00
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Girls I had Sex with 14, 15, and 16 2020-04-22T23:22:44+00:00close

Meant to have this up yesterday, but ran into a little technical error! Also, I'll make sure Austin turns his fuckin' microphone on next time.


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More Girls

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Comments (7)
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User #28684249 - 23 Apr 20 21:39
What a story
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:38
Thanks Chris!
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User #34438144 - 28 Apr 20 05:54
i am you during your community college era and proud
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User #23281890 - 23 Apr 20 22:59
Yeah id appreciate if u find the time to re record
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:39
You guys got it.
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User #23752558 - 22 Apr 20 23:46
do a re-record of the stripper
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:38
You got it, bro
Hottest Fan Contest Extras
Hottest Fan Contest Extrasmore_vert
2020-04-17T21:19:33+00:00
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Hottest Fan Contest Extras 2020-04-17T21:19:33+00:00close

No tits, unfortunately. I made the round of texts and nobody was down to let them appear. Most upsetting.


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Comments (17)
user avatar
User #30478171 - 17 Apr 20 23:27
who else lost their shit when white rabbit played on yesterdays video
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DannyMullen - 22 Apr 20 01:25
Haha I only know that song from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
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User #30478171 - 22 Apr 20 01:27
quite literally the national anthem for psychedelics.
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User #30131215 - 22 Apr 20 04:52
You should recreate this danny https://www.xvideos.com/video679184/howard_stern_-_smallest_penis_contest
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User #30131215 - 22 Apr 20 04:52
Its not actually porn its the Howard stern small dick contest
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DannyMullen - 25 Apr 20 16:39
I've seen that, bro! I loved it
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User #24871864 - 17 Apr 20 21:20
Good call they would have been up on reddit in about 30 seconds
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User #27673895 - 17 Apr 20 21:20
We respect u respecting them Danny 🙏
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User #32951723 - 17 Apr 20 21:20
Those 6 letters... those god damn letters. N, O, T,I,T,S
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User #30709211 - 17 Apr 20 21:40
A man of respect i see
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User #30026925 - 19 Apr 20 12:46
Danny if you pick another girl who I went to HS w in next years fan contest you’re gonna have to do a biggest dick contest (I won’t win but I’ll need to be in it)
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User #6005361 - 21 Apr 20 14:35
biggest fan dick contest? like your thinking.
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DannyMullen - 22 Apr 20 01:26
Seems like it'll be over fairly quick, but you might be onto something!
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User #33910732 - 19 Apr 20 09:03
So happy to be apart of this community now. Might sacrifice a goat later to appease the goddess of luck
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DannyMullen - 22 Apr 20 01:26
Let me get it's corpse after so I can become the God of Fuck
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User #19939943 - 18 Apr 20 20:57
thats my favourite one lol
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User #21937793 - 17 Apr 20 21:53
Very respectful
Girls I had Sex with 11, 12, and 13: LIVE 2020-04-15T00:33:13+00:00

https://youtu.be/6neMS3jY_Ew


Let's do this! Is the linking working?

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Comments (9)
user avatar
User #26013597 - 15 Apr 20 03:42
Congrats on 400k papa Danny! Only upwards for you!
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User #32643376 - 15 Apr 20 02:02
Congrats on 400k danny
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User #29778753 - 15 Apr 20 22:11
Quality work again, Daniel
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User #32409946 - 15 Apr 20 04:36
Congrats on 400k lets get too a million
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User #25794251 - 21 Apr 20 12:48
Danny, have you ever seen triumph the insult comic dog?
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DannyMullen - 22 Apr 20 01:26
Yes sir!
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User #32769688 - 17 Apr 20 11:28
104k on the new video already... I think this is the beginning of the third wave of Mullen fans
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DannyMullen - 17 Apr 20 21:20
Hell yeah, bro! I agree, that would be the 3rd wave.
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User #33410149 - 15 Apr 20 02:03
Not to defend Jerry’s shit video but pewdiepie calls his subs 9 year olds, but now it’s 19 year olds.
Girls I Had Sex With Show Live 2020-04-13T15:25:39+00:00

5 pm tomorrow, the 14th, right here! And I'll be hanging around afterwards to answer questions.

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Comments (13)
user avatar
User #33407511 - 14 Apr 20 23:20
I will get my lube ready
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User #33406257 - 13 Apr 20 18:54
Let's gooo!! Danny Mullen is the best youtuber out here!
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User #25263284 - 13 Apr 20 15:26
This is the best thing to ever happen to me.
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User #30478171 - 13 Apr 20 19:51
hope jackhammer jeremy makes an appearance
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User #32951723 - 15 Apr 20 00:00
It’s time
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User #33238065 - 14 Apr 20 03:25
How rat dick doing?
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User #29778753 - 13 Apr 20 20:51
I wanna be the first guy you had sex with
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User #32242343 - 14 Apr 20 20:57
EST? or PDT?
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User #21937793 - 14 Apr 20 22:34
Pretty sure 8:00 p.m. Eastern 5:00 p.m. Pacific because he lives in Los Angeles
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User #21937793 - 13 Apr 20 17:38
Let's goo
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User #33434825 - 13 Apr 20 15:26
Danny Mullen freed the slaves. I offer him my first born daughter.
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User #32242343 - 15 Apr 20 00:01
indeed its time
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User #24760617 - 13 Apr 20 15:27
Wait so live streams will happen every Tuesday?
Vegas Apocalypse Extras
Vegas Apocalypse Extrasmore_vert
2020-04-11T03:04:38+00:00
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Vegas Apocalypse Extras 2020-04-11T03:04:38+00:00close

Sorry about the delay! Thanks for keeping this operation going, everyone!


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Patreon Vegas Apocalypse

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Comments (27)
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User #32951723 - 11 Apr 20 11:03
The Tampa Troops are ready
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User #22049394 - 17 Jun 20 04:57
please do an interview with Jacks girl I need to know more lol
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User #29543186 - 11 Apr 20 23:26
Next year you should crash high school proms
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User #33406123 - 11 Apr 20 04:25
Any plans on coming to Miami any time soon??
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User #29930389 - 11 Apr 20 03:05
Danny we demand the kianna titties
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:37
I might actually be able to make it happen! Have to ask her
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User #28629005 - 11 Apr 20 03:46
i second that
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User #29718239 - 11 Apr 20 03:05
Will we get to see some of the hottest fan tits?
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User #25946851 - 11 Apr 20 03:14
Wondering the same thing if he will release the uncensored version
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:38
Maybe Kiana! Gabbs definitely wont be cool with it, unfortunately. I'll check with Cami's sister too!
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User #33406178 - 13 Apr 20 00:46
danny i beg you to come to atlanta so many liberals here who get offended so easily also a lot of funny black people
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User #31202333 - 22 Apr 20 10:18
He could do a ‘try not to get aids’ video
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User #33406178 - 22 Apr 20 20:43
he already did its called "Kissing girls during corona virus"
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User #33407254 - 11 Apr 20 03:05
Thanks Danny! I'm new here but I gotta support my favourite creator 👍
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:38
Thanks Alex!
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User #33410149 - 11 Apr 20 22:02
Coffee?
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User #28170905 - 11 Apr 20 05:26
when you come to Canada I’ll be on Canada’s farm team😂
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User #30478171 - 11 Apr 20 03:17
when danny gets really big, i GUARANTEE some liberal will want to take him down off the internet
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:38
Yep
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User #32945379 - 11 Apr 20 11:11
Baynar or whatever his name is, is fucking hilarious
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User #33408861 - 12 Apr 20 12:37
Hook it up for the boys with Kianas nudes
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DannyMullen - 17 Apr 20 21:20
Just asked her
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User #12785863 - 11 Apr 20 03:06
Danny is a modern day Shakespeare
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User #19924060 - 11 Apr 20 17:57
danny*
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User #32951723 - 11 Apr 20 03:08
How do we apply for these said “farm teams” Master Mullen?
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:38
Basically be near by when I'm in an unfamiliar town!
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User #28170905 - 11 Apr 20 05:26
also thanks for that voicemail on your livestream, it was fucking hilarious!
Kissing Girls in Vegas Extras Tomorrow (Hopefully) 2020-04-09T03:05:33+00:00

Sorry, guys. Planned on having this up tonight, but I'm fucking struggling this week. Feeling pretty burned out. I usually start to feel like I need a week off at around the 6-to-8-videos-in-a-row mark, which is where I'm at in the cycle, but things have only been worse since I can't leave my house. Every single day is spent at my kitchen table or the desk in my bedroom. I miss being able to get in psychical, in-front-of-an-audience comedy twice a week at improv. I miss being able to drive to UCLA and bust out a writing session in Powell library. All this has lead to my mind being pretty dull this week, and editing is taking way longer than expected. The Hottest Fan Contest part 2 looks like it'll be coming out on Friday as opposed to Tuesday. Anyway, just wanted to keep you guys in the loop. It's maybe the single most positive thing in my life right now that you guys are here, keeping the comedy going.

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Comments (29)
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User #20654429 - 9 Apr 20 05:46
I love you Danny! Please do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy. We’ll stand by you no matter what.
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User #26432918 - 9 Apr 20 20:29
Please don’t rush for the sake of us. You come first.
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:38
Thanks Sandrine!
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User #32242343 - 11 Apr 20 05:37
Sandrine were you raped by jack as a child
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User #26432918 - 11 Apr 20 06:38
HELL NO!!!
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User #32945379 - 11 Apr 20 11:12
would you like to have been?
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User #26432918 - 11 Apr 20 17:27
What a stupid question. Come on! Let’s be civilized people here. Sexual abuse of children is no laughing matter. They are not meant to have those kind of encounters because 1 - their brain and mind can not handle that situation and it destroys them later in life and the memory is repressed and 2 - THEY ARE CHILDREN!!! They have not hit PUBERTY!!
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User #33238065 - 9 Apr 20 06:26
Don’t rush man, quality over quantity is what my grandma always told me
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User #30026925 - 9 Apr 20 03:08
You could shit on film and publish it and we’d still enjoy it Danny
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:10
I think a lot of people would love to see an unedited shit video
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User #32512080 - 9 Apr 20 03:13
However long it takes no difference
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User #31536316 - 9 Apr 20 03:16
Feel free to take a break bro don't push yourself to hard, we're still gonna support you either way ❤
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User #27995019 - 12 Apr 20 21:47
Your the fuckin man Danny! The fucking mesiah of modern comedy
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User #32042389 - 9 Apr 20 03:11
Take your time man. Your videos are timeless, so we can hold ourselves over rewatching old ones.
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User #27264376 - 9 Apr 20 03:47
Stay safe man 😊 take your time, magic in the making, top notch content, glad to have you in these times and in general on YouTube.
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User #32512080 - 9 Apr 20 03:12
^^^^
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User #23823152 - 9 Apr 20 03:07
Covid has us all mentally fucked, man.
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:09
Glad to hear I'm not alone, man. Sucks!
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User #25263284 - 9 Apr 20 03:28
Never feel bad Danny! We are here for you dude. Take care of yourself and see the bright side. Also love your role in. Cherdley new vid with ur girlfriend!
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User #26015505 - 10 Apr 20 06:54
Can us Patreon viewers at least get a limp penis picture to subsidize our weekly fix of the great Danny Mullen?
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DannyMullen - 11 Apr 20 03:39
If anything, rock hard
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User #20931724 - 9 Apr 20 03:22
Dude. You never let us down with a shitty video, or even a kinda shitty video... it’s all fucking fire! You deserve a break. Just don’t spend the whole time masterbating.
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User #23618120 - 9 Apr 20 03:07
No worries brother. Stay safe out there danny👌🏽
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:09
Thanks bro!
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User #24760617 - 9 Apr 20 03:08
No problem, Danny.
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:10
Thanks man!
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User #29463953 - 9 Apr 20 04:20
This thing is messing with all of our lives, some more than others but times are tough. Keep up the grind, dude.
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User #32222859 - 9 Apr 20 03:08
You’re good, man. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We can wait for as long as it takes...fuck any other “fan” who says otherwise.
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:10
Thanks bro! I like making content though, dude, and getting it out for you guys. Just a little slow this week.
Try this link for the Live Stream 2020-04-08T00:05:37+00:00

https://youtu.be/0gCpSpNiPPA

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Comments (12)
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DannyMullen - 8 Apr 20 00:05
Any luck?
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User #20931724 - 8 Apr 20 00:11
This is all fucked up haha, fucking link won’t get to the YouTube app, can’t even join in on the convo.
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User #30709211 - 8 Apr 20 06:53
Fuckkk time difference, i was deep asleep
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DannyMullen - 9 Apr 20 03:06
I'll give you guys notice ahead of time, and maybe do them earlier too!
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DannyMullen - 8 Apr 20 01:18
Hey, guys, sorry for any technical issues. I didn't even plan on going live tonight; I was just poking around and then thought "fuck it." Next week, I'll announce this ahead of time and make it better.
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User #29379453 - 8 Apr 20 00:15
Anyone know how to get this to open on YouTube app?
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User #29930389 - 8 Apr 20 00:21
Didnt have a problem minus the little lag, but it could be slowed due to everyone being home
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User #30026925 - 8 Apr 20 00:58
The only thing was I couldn’t get it to open in the app
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User #25263284 - 8 Apr 20 00:22
Why can’t I comment??
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User #4403624 - 8 Apr 20 00:06
Works for me
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User #29174347 - 8 Apr 20 00:06
Yep
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User #21937793 - 8 Apr 20 00:06
It works
Met One of You Guys
Met One of You Guysmore_vert
2020-04-04T00:34:47+00:00
Post file flag
Met One of You Guys 2020-04-04T00:34:47+00:00close

I'm always psyched when I get recognized in public, and it happens a good amount, but this was the first time a Patron came up and said "hi." Was it Zach? Whatever the case, he was a student at UCLA, studying real science and math bullshit down in South Campus (unlike my candyass who was parked up in North Campus, studying history) and he stopped me right before Cherdley's and I got to work on the Jesse Hiss bit. Comment if you're here, Zach! Also, guy who was working at Taco Bell during the I Ruined a Parade video, please comment too! I still can't believe he's fucking Patron.


Media (1)


Zach.jpeg (2.8MiB)

Comments (19)
user avatar
User #29718239 - 4 Apr 20 00:37
I was snapping Fan Jerry while y’all were in Vegas and Neeks follows me on insta
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:53
Nice pick up on the Neeks follow!
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User #31104064 - 5 Apr 20 07:56
Danny I wore your merch on a first date and got laid....thank you 🐐
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DannyMullen - 6 Apr 20 18:16
You're welcome, my son! Which item?
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User #29977939 - 29 Apr 20 17:34
Just now seeing this but yeah it was really cool to meet you in person
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DannyMullen - 30 Apr 20 03:01
Glad you saw it, dude!
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User #14607965 - 4 Apr 20 07:45
Ahahaha can't believe that taco bell employee could be a patron :')
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:54
Dude, he is/was! He posted pictures of himself to prove it.
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User #15430352 - 4 Apr 20 00:37
Atleast it wasn’t the weirdo in your latest vid
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:53
I hope he becomes a Patron soon!
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User #28003076 - 4 Apr 20 03:50
This is dope bro. Hope to see you on the west coast soon.
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:54
Thanks man!
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User #28143583 - 4 Apr 20 00:38
I met you at the XS at the Wynn talked you up to some chicks
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:54
Haha dude, I remember that shit! Last November, right? I got kicked out like 30 minutes later for vommitting in a urinal. Bullshit! I was having a great time.
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User #28143583 - 4 Apr 20 18:18
Me too bro, I was stoked to see you. Big fan.
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DannyMullen - 5 Apr 20 04:16
Thanks Jack!
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User #25263284 - 4 Apr 20 00:39
Come to the east coast! We can stir shit at the capital
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:54
I like it!
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User #31104064 - 6 Apr 20 18:25
“Danny Mullen freed the Slaves”
Jackhammer Jeremy Extras
Jackhammer Jeremy Extrasmore_vert
2020-04-04T00:20:31+00:00
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Jackhammer Jeremy Extras 2020-04-04T00:20:31+00:00close

If you hate Jackhammer, you're gonna hate this


Embed data

Provider
YouTube

Provider URL
YouTube

Subject
Jack Hammer Extras

Description

URL
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnn4jZ1yP8A

HTMLplay_arrow

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    src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/jnn4jZ1yP8A"
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Comments (18)
user avatar
User #32439232 - 4 Apr 20 23:50
no pre workout ?
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DannyMullen - 6 Apr 20 18:16
Just the blood of children in a glass
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User #32512080 - 8 Apr 20 20:15
Jackhammer Jeremy should be paid to train people
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User #35191340 - 12 May 20 15:33
nbs
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User #32346072 - 6 Jun 20 06:27
the best danny mullen bit ever recorded
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User #26657732 - 6 Apr 20 05:01
Man, Leo really played the straight-man perfectly in this bit. Great work!
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DannyMullen - 6 Apr 20 18:16
Thanks man!
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User #23281890 - 4 Apr 20 00:27
2:46 who the fuck is danny??
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 00:28
A real man
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User #32945379 - 5 Apr 20 00:55
he really fucking likes grassfed ground beef
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DannyMullen - 6 Apr 20 18:16
Loves it!
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User #32951723 - 4 Apr 20 00:22
Semen Tasting Before the Sunset by Jackhammer Jerry.
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 00:28
A beautiful poem
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User #32378539 - 4 Apr 20 00:45
Young boys and 35 plates . Jackhammer jeremys potion
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 16:55
That's all a man needs!
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User #28508720 - 4 Apr 20 00:31
Should start a Jackhammer Jeremy babysitting service
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DannyMullen - 4 Apr 20 00:35
That's like speed dating to Jackhammer!
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User #32512080 - 8 Apr 20 20:15
Lmao was waiting for this video ..
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