“I don't have anyone in my life who thinks highly of me, who thinks I'll make something of myself. No one else will pick up my phone calls, no one else tries to think about or understand my mental issues.
But you, at least I hoped so.
I'm not okay, I'm so far from okay. My mental state is not the best, it's at it's worst.
I'm not going to be the easiest person to deal with right now. I can't even stand my own self. I fucking hate how upset I can get. I wish I could bottle up my emotions and just not fucking feel.
But I can't.
You're the one person who I thought wouldn't hold my situation against me.
More than anything I need support from you, I need patience and understanding. You sat there and said that everything you said was wrong, that all you do isn't right and that's so far from the truth.
I know I'm at fault too.
I blew up and slammed your car door, trying to hurt you because I was hurting so damn much I didn't know what to do with myself.
I said that I didn't want to see you tomorrow even though I wanted to spend the whole day with you because it didn't seem like it mattered at all to you.
When you said that you wouldn't park the car because you had to go, it was like I was being dismissed?
That's what made me go over the edge.
Like I was so riled up because the person that I love so much, barely glanced at me and was telling me to just leave even though I was clearly upset?
That hurt so so so bad.
When you said that was you, the person standing in front of me hurting me.
That fucking stung.
When you looked at me, so passively like everything I was saying was crazy.
I felt so fucking worthless.
When you brought up the fact that you do so much for me in comparison to how much I do for you, I broke a little bit more.
I know I'm a piece of work okay, an absolute pile of shit.
But I've given you all of me, everything of mine you can have.
Without question, because that's all I have to give.
I'd love to give you the world but I can't.
I'm in a shitty fucking position and I'm a shitty person that no one wants to be around, not even my own mother.
No one picks up my phone calls, I talk too fucking much.
I'm too depressing for people to handle.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not easy. I don't know what else to say, I wasn't ever going to leave you.
When you said that you thought we needed space?
That's something people say when they're considering breaking up with someone.
And that was like another twist of the knife in my heart.
I never thought you'd say that to me? Especially since we barely spend time together now.
I love you, with everything that I have. I was trying to be better for you, I've been trying so hard to approach you differently and consistently explain my feelings so you can understand where I'm coming from.
I don't even know what you think of me anymore.
I can't even confidently say you won't leave me.
I was so sure you were gonna leave me tonight, I still think so.
And the thought alone fucks me up.
I don't know what else to say, I feel like fucking shit”.